happy birthday to me

i am going to be 36 years old soon.  i panicked for a minute the other day when it occurred to me that 36 rounds up to 40 and 40 is only 10 years away from 50. it made me a little dizzy to think about being 50 but then i remembered that i am a perpetual child and that my life-style should allow me to dictate, somewhat, what 50 feels like and then my thoughts equalized.  however, the fact remains and whether i like it or not, i have a birthday coming up and my age number has to change.  not surprisingly, change causes me to reflect on my life and where i have come from and how to resolve whatever issues i am dealing with presently.  historically, for me, my logic and my heart are most clear when i am training and when i indulge daily on lung-fulls of fresh cool air, and when i bathe myself in the brightness of sunrises, and when i surround myself with the camaraderie of equal friendships.

for several reasons, i have spent much of this last year neglecting my training, avoiding my friends, and dealing with life issues and insecurities that have made it difficult for even the most spectacular of sunrises to seep into my frontal lobe.  except for some trails, a few road miles, and sporadic trips to the climbing gym i have been pretty inactive.

after watching me and the kids boulder at the gym yesterday, jimmy commented about how the kids were constantly calling attention to their routes and the muscles they are building and wanting him to express his excitement about their progress.  we talked about how kids do things, often seeking acceptance and approval.

then, i realized i do this, too.  as a perpetual kid, i still do things seeking acceptance and approval.

weeks ago, i went for a bike ride in the rain.  it had been a long hard day at work and i needed some fresh air.  i decided to ride down this old farm road that i knew had some good rolling hills on it.  i took a risk, choosing this route, knowing that several days of rain would have made it muddy but i thought a little adventure might be good for me.  within a few minutes, the wet dirt began sticking to my tires and filling my spokes and soon after that, i could no longer cover any ground because the mud was so thick.  i ended up carrying my mud-heavy bike for about an hour, struggling with every step as my shoes sunk into the ground.  what started as workout for stress relief quickly became an exercise in perseverance and endurance and instead of coming home relaxed, i came home covered in mud and bruises.  after stripping down to my underwear in the garage, i walked through the house to my shower feeling a little exposed and very humbled.

it occurs to me that sometimes i put energy into things that, for what ever reason, are unable to reciprocate in kind, or at least, the way i hope they would.  sometimes, seeking acceptance from others is a useless endeavor if i am unwilling to accept myself first.  i don't know why, when i have learned so many things over my years, i continue to exhibit child-ish behaviors and seek for approval in places other than my own heart and mind.  curiously, i wonder if i push limits, unintentionally, hoping for an outward expression of acceptance but fully expecting rejection and then, for some reason, i am confused when the latter happens.  stupid, right?

for my birthday, i think i will give myself a gift.  or several...i will give myself gifts of fresh air, daily sunshine, and loving family and friends.  i fully expect that there will be times when i find myself on a difficult route or facing rejection and, hopefully, i will find a way to get through it and recover.  mud washes off and painful bruises fade over time but as these experiences become part of me i hope i can allow personal acceptance to seep in with the sunshine and perpetuate personal change.