i spent a summer or two, years ago, on idaho rivers kayaking with my brothers. we slid into our kayaks early in the day and played in the water until evening, only stopping to eat and warm ourselves on the sandy banks. when water rushes downstream over rocks and other landscapes it can create waves and those waves are put into "classes" according to their size. the class of a rapid can help a kayak-er determine whether their own skill level is adequate for its' difficulty. i, however, had a habit of judging a rapid simply by how queasy my stomach felt while i was looking at it. there was one such string of rapids located on a sharp 90 degree turn in a river that was quite intimidating to me. i watched, as several of our party successfully navigated the big water and then i had a choice, i could follow the more experienced kayak-ers and learn something new or i could hop out of my craft and portage around the rapid. choosing to portage would have relieved my anxiety but it would have been, more so than paddling through the rapids, physically challenging as it would require me to carry all of my gear up a steep embankment and around large boulders and then back down the hillside to the water. secondary to the physical fatigue of this endeavor was the fact that, mentally, i would take a step back and my fear of future rapids would continue.
for multiple reasons, the last year or so has been physically and emotionally tasking for me and my confidence has been low anyway but august, the entire month, seems to suck the marrow out of my bones a little bit more as each day builds up on the calendar. in august of 2004, just days after my dad took his own life, i decided to continue training for my planned race even though the recent events made me feel, physically, like i was running through taffy and i could barely breathe. three weeks later, i finished the mesa falls 1/2 marathon, my 1st race of that distance, and proved to myself that i could face hard hill climbs and pain and still keep moving.
ty was born in late june of 2005 and three weeks later i climbed onto the saddle of my dad's road bike for the first time ever and started training for the rush triathlon. the rush, a race i had watched a few times with my dad, was to be held on the third saturday in august and i knew i had to do it, both for him and to provide a distraction for me. with my doctor's approval, barring any bleeding issues, i trained for 26 straight days and then finished the sprint distance for, and in memory of, my dad who never got to do it.
i have participated in the rush triathlon every august since then, without question, until this year. i started running consistently in the spring of 2004 after a late mis-carriage and i trained year-round at a high level of intensity and stayed in really good shape. in fact, three years ago i was called on a wednesday evening to join a 3 person relay team for 50 mile mountain race being held on saturday. when jimmy, not a fan of my last minute decisions, asked me why i had to do it i reminded him that not many people are in good enough shape or are willing to run 18 miles in the mountains with only a few days notice. this last year though, my training has been at the lowest intensity and very sporadic and my confidence has suffered tremendously for it causing me to question my ability to race.
when august of 2011 began its' inevitable squeeze on my psyche i decided that more consistent training was necessary to keep myself moving and to help pull myself out of the taffy. as i covered mile after very slow mile i began to realize that many of my august issues are old stresses that have been buried or, somehow, portaged around and left unresolved. issues, like feeling inadequate, being rejected and abandoned, losing control, and not being good enough began to resurface and force a confrontation and i have been warring with myself for a couple of weeks trying to make sense of it.
relationships with loved ones have suffered the august effects, too, and upon hearing about an issue i was having with olivia, a friend mentioned that my daughter was just trying to figure out who she is. while this thought struck me as an accurate conclusion for the behavior of a soon-to-be-teenaged girl, i realized that it is true for me, too.
last wednesday, i got a phone call from the race director of the rush wondering if i was going to return and defend my title as the previous years winner and course record holder. as he is also my friend, he asked me why i had not registered and was there anything he could do to help me out. i told him no at the time but little did he know (or maybe he knows me too well...) that he started a train of thought that took me back to the river and that kayak and i had to decide if i would portage or participate.
i was intimidated by my perception of others' expectations of me and how i should perform and i knew my lack of training would prevent me from competing at the level i have become accustomed to. i felt that my current skill level was not equivilent to the class of terrain i would encounter for this race. i thought, however, that portaging this particular event was a bad idea and any physical pain and fatigue would be worth the resulting confidence boost and distraction i would receive as i worked my way through the course. i knew that i could not possibly out-perform my well-trained competitors and this would relieve some of the pressure but i also knew that part of me would try and i wasn't convinced i had it in me to cause my self more suffering than i was already experiencing. i made myself a little queasy trying to decide and had to chew on a few antacids to settle my stomach, just as i used to before big water sections in my kayak.
as life happens, i try to adapt and evolve and move forward and in some ways i am in a constant state of re-evaluating and searching to find who i am and like the waves on the rivers, i am always changing. however, for me, the most consistently successful way to resolve issues, gain confidence, and feel peace is through athletic endeavors, like the rush triathlon, climbing mountains, and kayaking idaho rivers. and, if i surround myself with other athletes at those events i can soak up their energy and i will grow without much effort. as i become physically stronger, i build mental muscle that provides me the courage to confront whatever the landscape is that creates the waves i sometimes encounter and portaging, while sometimes necessary, is often detrimental to that process.
years ago, i chose to face those rapids head-on and i felt their strength splash me in the face and make me stronger as i paddled my way through and last saturday i soaked up that same power, though the water was calm, as i dove into the lake and took my place among other rush triathlon competitors. i learned more about myself, and about my place, and about my resilience in the combined moments of these athletic undertakings than i have ever learned from a portage. and, i learned that if i can complete a triathlon with very little training that i can probably make it through august.
La Salvation
2 years ago
