note to self

when all else fails...just breathe.

water

years ago, while bathing together, isabel told me she wanted my friend heather to be her mother. it kind of stung and i felt hurt. but, as i sat soaking in the heat of the tub watching the bubbles swirl away from my skin while she poured water from a cup over my head, i realized what she meant by the words she chose. she loved heather and felt safe with her; the limits of her 3 year old vocabulary forced her to use the one word she knew that was synonymous with those qualities. then, i got it and was no longer threatened by her statement.

it's funny sometimes...the words we use to describe our thoughts and our feelings. understanding others and ourselves really, often requires some sort of super power, gravitational pull, a full moon, or a planetary alignment, etc...to get it right. i think it's common for us to repeat things we have heard before in our homes or from the media that seem to represent us when we can't create correct verbiage on our own. emotions cycle around our heads, trying to find the quickest escape route and sometimes they take a detour confusing things for everybody involved.

have you ever heard someone else speak your thoughts for you and have it finally click? or have you felt one way for a long time and then realized, as people and things in your life evolve, that specific space in your head has morphed into something different entirely?

there were a few topics that, while he was living and despite great effort, my dad and i were unable to agree on. we could not merge our versions of understanding; our communication limitations prevented the alignment necessary to share one solar system. as things have changed, though, i have come to the realization that for the most part it shouldn't have mattered if we stood on the same ground at all and that many times we even traveled parallel paths towards the same destination without ever having our eyes opened to it.

how grateful i am that God allows for a continuation of progression and growth even after life has ended and we can no longer communicate with others on the same plane. through the peace this belief provides it is encouraging to me in the space i occupy now that when i encounter situations that require interpretation, as with isabel in the tub, that with some effort, it is possible to hear what someone else is feeling even if the words used seem to report something else entirely. and i know that the effort required to figure it out is well worth it.

there have been and will continue to be many "bathtime" conversations with the people i love in my life and i pray that, like the water isabel poured over my head as i contemplated and analyzed her statement, there will be many waves of understanding to bless those interactions and perpetuate growth in our ability to fully communicate and know one another.

shoelaces

i saw a t.v. show recently about these cute puppy lovin' kids who, as a sign of their affection, shared a set of special shoelaces. the boy is then teased by his friends and he takes his off. when his cute girlfriend sees this, she feels hurt and changes hers too. next, in an attempt at reconciliation, he gives her a new shoelace but she refuses to accept it. instead of explaining to him that his actions triggered some insecurities, she suffered in silence and hurt him back by refusing his offerings. she probably didn't even realize at the time that was what she was doing; her own sadness too great to allow her to see what was happening on the outside. why did she do that? is it a learned behavior or an instinctual defense mechanism? or is she overthinking it and holding herself back from having what she really wants?

i wish i knew what she was thinking...

i spent time bouldering in the gym today and made progress on some projects i've been working on. some of the moves i had struggled with previously felt increasingly more comfortable as i warmed up my muscles and fought for improvement. i moved from one hold to the next until i fell off. then, i got back up and tried again. it felt good to climb further and it felt good to smooth out beginning sequences. but, then i start to get pumped and the fatigue builds up and i begin to overthink it.

clmbers tend to be a pretty supportive group; they cheer and provide beta. yet, i generally don't hear anyone until i am off the wall; my bouldering brain not advanced enough to multi-task. i can really only do one thing at a time when bouldering. after, though, i can hear the advice and i can see myself following through in my head. i get back on that wall though, and...i don't really know what happens. a sequence i had just breezed through feels like work and i lose my place. it gets all jumbled up in my head and i can't focus on the end goal anymore. all i can think about is the frustration of failure and the insecurity of others watching me struggle. all the beta and support, however great, slides off until i can bring myself back in from that self-centered space that occupies my head when i struggle.

maybe that little girl felt the same way. you know, so lost in her own white noise that she couldn't hear the whisper of her friend talking directly to her heart. yes, he spoke with shoelaces but she should have heard him loud and clear and been able to reciprocate.

all climbers, and regular people for that matter, go through periods of struggle alternated with others of growth. i am so much more climbing-strong and a tiny bit more climbing-smart than i was when i first started and if i work hard i should continue to evolve and improve. and, over time, those periods of self-centered confusion will decrease as i become more confident.

And hopefully, that silly girl will see her way through and accept those shoelaces from her cute little boyfriend.