shoelaces

i saw a t.v. show recently about these cute puppy lovin' kids who, as a sign of their affection, shared a set of special shoelaces. the boy is then teased by his friends and he takes his off. when his cute girlfriend sees this, she feels hurt and changes hers too. next, in an attempt at reconciliation, he gives her a new shoelace but she refuses to accept it. instead of explaining to him that his actions triggered some insecurities, she suffered in silence and hurt him back by refusing his offerings. she probably didn't even realize at the time that was what she was doing; her own sadness too great to allow her to see what was happening on the outside. why did she do that? is it a learned behavior or an instinctual defense mechanism? or is she overthinking it and holding herself back from having what she really wants?

i wish i knew what she was thinking...

i spent time bouldering in the gym today and made progress on some projects i've been working on. some of the moves i had struggled with previously felt increasingly more comfortable as i warmed up my muscles and fought for improvement. i moved from one hold to the next until i fell off. then, i got back up and tried again. it felt good to climb further and it felt good to smooth out beginning sequences. but, then i start to get pumped and the fatigue builds up and i begin to overthink it.

clmbers tend to be a pretty supportive group; they cheer and provide beta. yet, i generally don't hear anyone until i am off the wall; my bouldering brain not advanced enough to multi-task. i can really only do one thing at a time when bouldering. after, though, i can hear the advice and i can see myself following through in my head. i get back on that wall though, and...i don't really know what happens. a sequence i had just breezed through feels like work and i lose my place. it gets all jumbled up in my head and i can't focus on the end goal anymore. all i can think about is the frustration of failure and the insecurity of others watching me struggle. all the beta and support, however great, slides off until i can bring myself back in from that self-centered space that occupies my head when i struggle.

maybe that little girl felt the same way. you know, so lost in her own white noise that she couldn't hear the whisper of her friend talking directly to her heart. yes, he spoke with shoelaces but she should have heard him loud and clear and been able to reciprocate.

all climbers, and regular people for that matter, go through periods of struggle alternated with others of growth. i am so much more climbing-strong and a tiny bit more climbing-smart than i was when i first started and if i work hard i should continue to evolve and improve. and, over time, those periods of self-centered confusion will decrease as i become more confident.

And hopefully, that silly girl will see her way through and accept those shoelaces from her cute little boyfriend.