ECLIPSE

last sunday, i layed on the driveway trying not to move. i wore two pairs of sunglasses and waited for the solar eclipse. a solar eclipse occurs when the moon travels between the earth and the sun. as the moon covers the sun, the sky grows progressively darker. the sun, however, is bigger than the moon and even when the moon is centrally located in front of the sun, there is still light and the promise that the moon will continue to travel until it no longer covers the sun. as i watched this happen in the sky, i thought about the marathon i had completed the morning prior and the lessons i needed to learn from it. my achy body melted into the concrete as i tried to remember how i found myself at that starting line. months ago, some friends and i registered and began planning for the ogden marathon. we knew that training for a spring marathon would require lots of miles while being exposed to the winter elements. we would need to outfit ourselves with the right layers in order to protect ourselves from the cold. generally, winter training pace is slowed due to icy conditions, clothing restriction, and frigid temperatures impacting blood flow and movement. it is the hope that after months of running in those temps and those layers that shedding them come race day will bring relief from the restrictions of all winter entities and allow for a faster pace. last friday, four of us covered some drive-time miles together on i-15 while sharing the current state of our individual element-impacted lives and we expressed our gratitude for the comraderie and support we have shared while bi-pedal on the roads. we also nervously bantered in regards to our worries and expectations about what we could accomplish the next day on the course. it is difficult to predict performance in any race but seemingly impossible when training has been less than ideal as well as plagued with injury, illness, and dramatic life changes. the only variable we knew for certain was that we agreed we would support individual choice in pace and finish times and there would never be pressure to run someone elses race and no matter what, we would consider the adventure for what it was...an adventure. and, of course, we were grateful to be sharing whatever misery ensued with each other. the next morning we huddled together in a field of fire barrels and nervous runners and discussed which layers we would keep and which we would discard and where we would wait for one another at the finish. after we removed our extra clothing and tossed our numbered bags into the transport vehicle we walked together to the start corral and just sort of ended up behind the 3:35 pace group and waited for the gun to sound. my friends and i followed the race course closely together for about nine miles before any significant pace changes started to occur and the effects of the last few months took over. as women and moms and wives we tend to feel the aches and pains of those we care about until they become part of us and running, on our own or together, is a way for us to use our physicality to help manage those feelings and responsibilities. while the marathon training serves a congruent purpose for all of us, each of us responds differently to those daily stresses. some of us run until we feel lifes anxieties drip away with the sweat. some of us run to keep the chaos from stopping our movement altogether. all of us run for the support and the friendship and the emotional strength that grows as our capacity for endurance builds. the race was tough for all of us and we tested ourselves beyond what, according to our training, we should have been able to achieve. missed training runs, illness, and injury have eclipsed our lives over the last while and we felt restricted by those extra layers. for some, the weight of responsibilites and resulting emotional struggles impacted physicality and restricted ability to move fast. for another, physical pain from chronic injury left a mental limp that seemed impossible to bear. for me, my "race day brain" forced me to outrun my inadequecies and push for physical rather than emotional pain. in the end, we all reached the finish line of this tough challenge and though it may have felt like a disappointment i would remind us that, one way or another, we got there. and in some ways the elements that impacted our movements actually set us free and made us more resilient. we faced an obvious opponent and kept moving until we conquered it. lets not forget that while the layers we wear in winter are restrictive, they still protect us from the cold. and that day, the lessons we learned about ourselves and each other will benefit us when facing future endeavors. i challenge us all to remember what it is about each of us that drove us to register and commit to training in the first place and that that is what is most important. regardless of anything that happened after that moment we need to remember we had what we needed to take on this course and overcome lifes challenges then and we still have it. and like the sun, we are bigger than the moon and while we may feel overshadowed and struggle in the darkness at times there is still light and the promise that the moon will continue to travel until it no longer covers the sun.

iron will

after i ran my first marathon i was afraid of what my body would feel like with each and every movement.  it hurt bad enough just to take one step after another but to introduce stairs, worse down than up, or heaven forbid, to brave a toilet seat was beyond any self-induced physical pain heretofore experienced.  the word excruciating, honestly, does not seem like an overstatement.  the only thing worse than continuing to move after having run a marathon is starting to move again once you have stopped. as a fitful sleeper in normal conditions i struggled with each involuntary movement and was awakened by my sister holding a dose of motrin and bottle of water.  "take these honey", she said, "you are whimpering in your sleep"  later that day i traveled home to my family who was in the process of moving into a new house.  this required me to lug boxes and furniture out of a storage unit, into a u-haul, and then into my house, up and down stairs and into individual rooms.  i remember feeling such different extremes in the emotional fulfillment of having completed my first marathon and excitement about a new house while concurrently suffering almost overwhelming physical pain.  the conversion of these polar opposites and the intensity at which they spotlight the other remains in my arsenal of things learned while pushing my body to new limits and, i admit, is something i occasionally seek after through athletic endeavors.

not everyone can relate athletically but most everyone has experienced these extremes through challenges forced upon us by life.  as a family, as well as a community we are suffering the tragic loss of a 12 year old boy who died suddenly.  this boy positively impacted so many in his life and continues to in death as his young healthy organs have been harvested and implanted into bodies that have been desperately seeking miracles.  as a mother to my own 12 year son and as the wife of a man who has coached and mentored the football team this boy belongs to, i wonder how this team will process and continue forward.  jimmy has been known to tell his boys that football is just a game that teaches them about life and prepares them for the future. he stresses camaraderie and teammate support, hard work and fundamentals, and is the first one to get down on one knee to personally thank each player for bringing their individual talents to their team and onto the field for each game of the season.  jimmy was called to go down to the middle school and talk to his team as many of these players asked for him rather than talking to the available counsellors and these boys sat in a circle of unity with him as they laughed and cried and ached for their lost teammate. jimmy explained that this cycle of extreme emotions is normal and could persist for a while. and he aches greatly for his team.

i ache for them as well and i wish i could tell them that, with time, their healing will come.  and that through their athletic endeavors they are learning about life and preparing for their futures and that sometimes life involves a great deal of pain but if they pay attention they can also experience to most amazing bits of greatness, too. but, it never comes until after we have scattered and shared our emotional clutter on the trail/road/field as we open up and push ourselves further than we imagined until we reach  a space of physical and spiritual freedom. it is difficult, though, to remember and impossible to explain just how much further a body blessed with a strong mental fortitude can continue forward even after extreme fatigue sets in. it can just keep finding ways to progress forward. and sometimes, the simplest things can keep one moving. a small handful of hot, salty, fries handed to me by a friend through their car window carried me over the last few miles of my first official 50 mile road race. and when i crossed that finish line i knew that though my battered body had covered the ground from lower mesa falls to driggs, my spirit had traveled much further and i felt free.

with any situation, we have to continue forward one step at a time to make it through. we can't stop moving before we get to the finish line and a football game is not complete until the fourth quarter ends and we have to do what we need to do to carry on and get there.  we have to feed our bodies with the fuel required to make it function properly and we have to feed our souls with community. we have to pay attention to the positives that get spotlighted even though we might ache like mad. and we have to remember that most often this process takes time and perseverance and endurance and a little motrin and maybe a few salty french fries from a friend at mile 45. and we have to know that it is easier to keep moving than it is to stop and start up again.  but most of all, we have to believe that we can do it and we have to extend a hand in camaraderie and we have to build up an iron will to succeed.