"never in your wildest dreams..."

it's odd, sometimes, where the catalyst comes from.  i have been considering the concept of regret lately and the creation of this line of thinking occurred while watching a "feeling bad for your actions and making amends" themed dance on a reality show.  i was stunned by the looks of absolute anguish on both the dancers face and that of the celebrity judge.  when finished, the dancer apologized to his mother for having been a little too rambunctious and causing her to struggle.  In turn, the judge expressed sadness over youthful indiscretions and unkindnesses to others.  from my couch, i could feel her regret.  i watched her tear soaked face, and the way her features froze as her thoughts turned inward while being transported, by the message and power of this dance, back to days when she knew little of who she was and chose an action that would hurt another.

why is it that we make the decisions that we sometimes make?  are we selfish? can we not fully understand the impact of our actions?  do we not know who we are?  do we not care about ourselves or not know our worth?  are we lost? are we inherently flawed?

for the last three days at work we have been removing sections of malignant melanoma from the face of a man that i had as a teacher in high school.  we have talked about how much time has gone by and how much i have changed and he said this to me, "never, in your wildest dreams, did you ever consider that you would be doing this procedure on your teacher this many years later?" honestly, i can recall very little of the subject that he taught me but i do remember that he was always kind to me.  sadly, the depth of the melanoma in the skin indicates a poor prognosis and even removing all of it won't be enough to ensure his long term survival.

we have yet to repair his wound as the pathologist has not declared his margins to be clear and because we removed the last section of skin after regular work hours last night we missed the courier who delivers specimen to the lab.  in order to continue the process for this patient, i brought the speciman home with me and will deliver it this morning and hope that these margins are melonoma free.

having this bio-hazard in our home sparked some conversation with my kids and some of their friends and i firmly stated my wish for them to always be nice to their teachers.  they laughed and immediately thought of the pranks they wanted to play and giggled about certain teachers names, like kids do, and i knew they couldn't fully comprehend what i was trying to convey.  i told them that someday they would grow up and be professionals and be required to perform services on/for the people who taught them knowledge and life skills and their competency could be judged, initially, on how they had behaved. 

we, collectively as human beings, make decisions sometimes based on where we are, emotionally, in that moment and we cannot fully grasp the impact for ourselves and others.  i have seen those looks before, the ones i saw on the dancer and the judge, and i have seen them in the mirror as i have questioned my actions and considered my carelessness.  and though i have an idea where the emotional catalyst for my decision-making spurs from, i am not quite sure how to improve or resolve or find the grounding required to both stop making mistakes and to forgive myself for mistakes of yesterday.

i have, as many of us do, many flaws and imperfections to work on. but, thankfully, i can say i always treated this teacher with respect and i am incredibly grateful that his trust in this process is not compromised by my immaturity as a teenager.

and, i sincerely wish him well.