to my family

we have done some traveling recently.  when we left for texas, one of the first things we felt it necessary to do was to buy an atlas. every time someone would ask us "how much farther", we would tell them to check the atlas.  our atlas could tell us where we were, presently, in relation to how far we had come and how much distance we had yet to travel.

we followed the atlas to texas and though many things have changed, both jimmy and i felt the history and memories of our first year spent together there as intensely as we felt the heat.  we spent time with his family, told stories from their past, and learned briefly how to care for his father who is struggling with poor health due to diabetes, weight issues, and congestive heart failure. 

i took my kids to bear lake last weekend for a small family reunion and spent saturday with my face to the sun and watched them play in the water like i did at their age.  we, three generations of us,  ate sandwiches at picnic tables with our feet in the sand while i remembered similar happenings from years ago with my grandparents and my siblings.

the next day, we traveled to randolph, utah to see my great grandmother's home and visit the cemetery where many of my maternal relatives are buried.  we sat in the shade and listened to tales of m.i.a. p.o.w.'s, of infamous wolf kills, and of death that comes too soon for various reasons. 

while visiting the now uninhabited home of my great grandmother, i peeked into the windows and saw an old hand-made quilt and i wandered around the out-buildings finding other old objects from their lives.  i found myself considering my ancestry and wondering what kind of traits i may have inherited from powerful men and women whose cells i carry.  as is the nature of life, there are bad things that come along with the good.

in september, i will celebrate my 36th birthday and in some ways i am younger now than i have ever been.  as life throws me both opportunity and chaos forcing me to evaluate and re-invent i am learning, like my children, to communicate, to process, and to evolve.  and to fix what i have broken, to serve, to fight harder, and to love myself better. 

i would guess that, collectively, my siblings and jimmy's siblings share versions of similar stories and struggle likewise, to varying degrees, with issues passed down from those that came before us. but sometimes we, connected at times only through our weaknesses, forget that along with depression, self-hatred, addictive personalities, and weight issues, we have been handed incredible strength.

we often refer to the fact that our father ran 80-100 miles per week in his attempts to outrun his demons and we use this as an example of his inability to manage stress.  we should, however, consider how physically and mentally demanding it is to put your body through that much work and celebrate this perseverance, dedication, and strength.

we should remember that grandpa rex, though struggling and dying young with kidney issues, took aim at those wolves and protected his cattle.  he did this knowing, without a doubt, that he could use his rifle to its very limits when noone else could.

we should remember the women who bravely continued to carry and bear children even when the likelihood of loss due to infection, illness, and still birth was so great.  and the women who, in an attempt to avoid ever allowing her children feel unloved and hungry, used the forethought and planning it took to feed us. and we should remember the women that slept on the floor near our beds when we were sick or injured.

these were the men and women that, eventually, got us here through hard work, planning, adaptability, and perseverance.

and we should remember that regardless of whether these skills were ones they developed or were learned behaviors, it makes no difference because we have them now.  and we have used them, too.  we have trained for and completed ironman triathlons,we have climbed big mountains and continued to grow in our abilities,we have gone to medical school and learned how to facilitate life and perpetuate health, we have conquered addictions, survived horrific loss, and provided support  (and cheesecake) to our loved ones while they suffered despite our own heartache.  and we can and will do it again. 

where ever we are now, good or bad, we have the ability, the strength, the stamina, and the support to help ourselves and each other create positive change.

we just need to open up that atlas, see where we have come from, accept where we are now, pick a destination and move towards it.

i love you all.