jan 15th, 2012

jimmy took this picture of me and the kids and the mountains and posted it on facebook.  upon seeing it, a friend of his asked if we ever get "used" to seeing the mountains.  we don't. i don't.  i am mesmerized by them and i feel a magnetic pull from them at times. there is a trail that i have run so often i could cover it in the dark.  the trail is worn and smooth and familiar. however, there is one section that is rocky and slick and requires one to slow down and consider each footfall carefully to avoid injury.  after the rocks have been negotiated, the trail narrows and the trees close in almost like a tunnel and the sounds of the wind and the birds and my breathing boomerang off those trees and come back to me.  it's almost as if i can feel their notes tickle the fine hairs on my neck and cool the sweat on my skin.  my heartbeat and my cadence are fast in this section and, though my footsteps are light, i feel firmly connected to the earth.  this part of the trail winds and rolls and descends until it crosses a creek and finds a gravel access road. 
i once heard that the seventh year of anything is the most difficult.  i'm not sure why but it seems, to me, to have been the case in my life.  during the seventh year of my marriage, i miscarried and delivered a baby at 17 weeks gestation and lost my dad to suicide.  i am now currently in the seventh year post dad and baby loss and some days i find myself on rocky terrain taking uncertain steps forward.  not only am i dealing with cluttered chaos on the trail, in relation to those losses, but the people that i love are experiencing the jagged and slick parts of me as i process and i notice them guarding their steps a bit.  i need to resolve, and let go, some of those issues so as not to alienate them further.

while travelling the gravel road, the elevation rolls and climbs until it reaches the junction of several different roads.  a junction is defined as an act of joining two or more things together or a place where two things meet and one terminates.  this particular junction provides access to several different roads and trails to choose from but usually, at this point in my travels i know that i just have a couple of quick downhill miles to get back to where i started.
i think we all have moments where, for one reason or another, we are unable to put our best foot forward.  it's part of life, right?  i need to remember that on my trail and in my life the difficult rocky sections,when smartly negotiated, lead directly into those cushy spaces that allow me to just move and feel free and be supported by the earth.  i need to remember that upon encountering junctions it is ok to follow one path and it is , sometimes, necessary to let another trail terminate and i need to remember that if i keep moving forward and do my best to stay connected to the earth i will be rewarded with a couple of quick downhill miles and the reverberation of my own breathing off the trees.