jenhirr

jan 15th, 2012

2012-01-15T14:47:00.000-08:00

jimmy took this picture of me and the kids and the mountains and posted it on facebook. upon seeing it, a friend of his asked if we ever get "used" to seeing the mountains. we don't. i don't. i am mesmerized by them and i feel a magnetic pull from them at times. there is a trail that i have run so often i could cover it in the dark. the trail is worn and smooth and familiar. however, there is one section that is rocky and slick and requires one to slow down and consider each footfall carefully to avoid injury. after the rocks have been negotiated, the trail narrows and the trees close in almost like a tunnel and the sounds of the wind and the birds and my breathing boomerang off those trees and come back to me. it's almost as if i can feel their notes tickle the fine hairs on my neck and cool the sweat on my skin. my heartbeat and my cadence are fast in this section and, though my footsteps are light, i feel firmly connected to the earth. this part of the trail winds and rolls and descends until it crosses a creek and finds a gravel access road.
i once heard that the seventh year of anything is the most difficult. i'm not sure why but it seems, to me, to have been the case in my life. during the seventh year of my marriage, i miscarried and delivered a baby at 17 weeks gestation and lost my dad to suicide. i am now currently in the seventh year post dad and baby loss and some days i find myself on rocky terrain taking uncertain steps forward. not only am i dealing with cluttered chaos on the trail, in relation to those losses, but the people that i love are experiencing the jagged and slick parts of me as i process and i notice them guarding their steps a bit. i need to resolve, and let go, some of those issues so as not to alienate them further.

while travelling the gravel road, the elevation rolls and climbs until it reaches the junction of several different roads. a junction is defined as an act of joining two or more things together or a place where two things meet and one terminates. this particular junction provides access to several different roads and trails to choose from but usually, at this point in my travels i know that i just have a couple of quick downhill miles to get back to where i started.
i think we all have moments where, for one reason or another, we are unable to put our best foot forward. it's part of life, right? i need to remember that on my trail and in my life the difficult rocky sections,when smartly negotiated, lead directly into those cushy spaces that allow me to just move and feel free and be supported by the earth. i need to remember that upon encountering junctions it is ok to follow one path and it is , sometimes, necessary to let another trail terminate and i need to remember that if i keep moving forward and do my best to stay connected to the earth i will be rewarded with a couple of quick downhill miles and the reverberation of my own breathing off the trees.

girls night out

2012-01-14T15:24:00.000-08:00

my friend darla needed a quick adventure so the two us of took our matching daughters and headed to lava. the grown up girls chatted in the front of the beefy diesel hoggin pick-up truck while the littles channelled taylor and miley in the backseat. we ate salad and pizza like princesses at the royal and checked into a hotel called home. we soaked in varying degrees of heat at the hot springs and hid in the steam rising from the water and i layed on the cold concrete next to the hottest pool and watched the stars. the thing i liked about alternating between the heat of the pool and the frigid concrete is that i had to focus on my breathing to manage the extremes. we ate ice cream, listened to the trains, channelled some adele and went to bed early.

in the a.m. with bits of my very seldom used anti-anxiety/sleep aidnecessary to undo too many sleepless nights of late still on board i pulled on olivia's fake ugg boots and went for a hike in my pajamas.

i walked passed the idaho centennial trail sign and crossed this engineering marvel of a bridge...

i turned and viewed the hot springs and my sleeping girls at "home" as i ascend this trail and laughed when i heard 3 loud whistle blowing trains travel through town before 8 a.m. it reminded me of my cousin vinny!

i surprised some viciously aggressive llamas near this tree. not sure how i escaped them...i was too scared to take a picture

there were some aspects where the ground was bare but mostly my trail was covered in icy snow. this is a flat section. many were not so easy to cover due to the steepness.

don't blame me for the life-less grey and brown as i have been praying for snow for all i'm worth for months. i think i am being humbled...

i did watch this happen and the extremes reminded me to breathe, again. happy saturday!

hiking down was a little bit dicey, as i figured it would be given my footwear, and i had a couple of tushy-meet-the-ground moments but only one slide-off-the-trail-and-roll-into-the-buck-brush-experiences. thank goodness for eating like a princess and providing my self plenty-o-padding. may need a spine adjustment or a massage later...

note to self: you are normally well prepared for all eventualities, which is why your pack is always a little too heavy. take your boots next time! the good news is, you now know that barefoot running is not for you. phewww! thank goodness you never have to wear them, those vibrams are so hideous...

after a great breakfast, omelets, pancakes and belgium waffles, at johnny's restaurant we climbed into the diesel and left the home hotel and headed north. thanks darla, izzy and marin for the perfect girls night out!

December 15, 2011

2011-12-17T16:49:00.000-08:00

last sunday would have been josh's 33rd birthday. normally, i am not one to stress over or commemorate those dates but recent events wore down my protective shell and the december 11th sunrise siphoned away my sunday morning serenity. thoughts and empathy for the shocked families of a broken little girl with a heart too weak to overcome her lifelong illness, a devastated mother searching for her son lost to conspiracy theories, mental illness and meth, and a kind family man accidentally trapped and damaged and ultimately lost to those injuries consumed me and rubbed raw the callouses i have formed to protect myself from my own losses. knowing the challenges, the questions, and the sadness these families will encounter opened old wounds and made them feel new again and i had to decide how i would tend to my injuries and which direction i would take to minimize my misery and to provide aide for these families.

i went for a walk in the woods today. the new fluffy snow, while beautiful and sparkly in the sunshine, was not deep enough to fill the ruts and the uneven ground worked my ankles. i hiked up a trail i have covered many times and, for most of my climb, i followed two sets of tracks. i used the indents of these ski tracks to determine my direction while my mind processed and purged. at first, as i walked between this pair of tracks, i felt isolated and inadequate. i couldn't manage the ground they covered together and my wide, clunky footfalls didn't match their sleek, skinned skis. and, for some reason, this made me feel small and lonely. it occurred to me that this feeling of weakness was not due to being alone on the trail but more a result of the situation that occurred the night prior and it was just being played out in front of me through physical means in order to force me to evaluate my emotional needs. while attending a basketball game i had seen my neighbor and had given her a hug but when our eyes connected, i could not separate her fresh widowhood status and her shock from my own abandonment and loss and for a moment i could not remember how to breathe, let alone come up with words to provide her some comfort. i walked away fighting the panic and the sobs rising in my throat and it took a few minutes to regain the confidence required to take another breath and another step. after a few minutes, i regained some composure and was able to enjoy the game instead of simply focusing on how to keep oxygen moving through my bloodstream.

after a few minutes though, both at the game and on the hill side, i began to feel some security from the support of those who inhabited these spaces before me, those who share the space i currently occupy, and those who had travelled this trail prior to my arrival and, even with the diversity of life experiences and modes of transport, a feeling of safety emerged and i knew i could move forward. i had too. what other choice is there? it was in that place in my emotional train of thought that the tracks i had been following veered to the left of my tentatively chosen route and i stood still for a moment debating whether i should continue to follow or go off on my own. following the tracks had become too comfortable and the risk of going somewhere i didn't want to go was increasing and because i wanted to climb higher, i chose to follow the un-tracked trail to the right and continue up the hillside on my own. as i hiked, i began to hear birds. lots of them. i stopped short for a moment to consider the disconnect as this chorus is more indicative of springtime and i wondered if these birds were as confused as i was. i determined, however, that they sounded happy and this made me smile and my wounds began to slowly heal themselves and that weight, so centered on the middle of my soul, began to lift and my eyes cleared allowing me to see more clearly. as i moved forward, i saw several deer running through the woods and later, a bull moose that stood and stared at me for a few minutes. making eye contact with this large animal, in his habitat, created a feeling of stillness for me and i felt like i belonged there, too. i had moved, bravely forward, on my own after the ski tracks moved to the left and i was quickly rewarded with the knowledge that i was not alone and i was being protected.

i have often felt like one of the "gifts" we are sometimes given in the midst of trial and loss is the ability to recognize the gifting while it is happening. not surprisingly, we tend to be so overwhelmed by the experiences that catch and injure us that it feels like all we can do is manage to take one breath and one step after another in order to survive and anything else is just too much. but, for me, even when i feel my most alone and my most insecure, looking for what i am being given, in that moment, helps. if i could go back to the corridor outside that ballgame with that brave sad wife and if i could share with all those that are suffering significant losses i would tell them to look for the little gifts and allow them to ease the weight, if only for a few minutes, and to let these gifts remind us that we are not alone.

what would you put in your God Box?

2011-09-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

for my job as well as in my life i talk to a lot of people, or rather, a lot of people talk to me. there is something about the physical closeness of patient care and removing skin cancers that seems to create a safe environment for sharing. i hear stories of illness and struggles, insecurities and losses. and, i am reminded that i am not the only one.

usually, i wonder what their method of healing is and often, when i ask, the answer is some version of prayer and perseverance. and with that, there is hope for eventual change and peace. sometimes, however, i can see the impact of the trials sitting on their shoulders and their features drag from burden. i am sensitive to it, i think, because the look of it is something i have seen before. i saw it on my dad during the last year of his life as the weight of his issues seemed to compress him until he even appeared smaller than his actual frame would allow and i see it on other people i care about as i watch them navigate life.

i went run/walking with a friend one morning and, in the dark, we talked about life and watched the stars. we chattered about the basic fluffy stuff that keeps us busy and we stayed away from any real topic that would require energy to process. she and i both, though our issues vary greatly, normally relieve our occasional bouts of emotional stress through physical means but presently, the health and strength of our bodies has limited our ability to do that. so, for that day, we tabled the insecurities, the losses, and the economy and we moved toward Cassiopeia and around to Ursa Major and we sent those unspoken thoughts to the sky and by the time we were back to Orion, we were home again.

the stars used to be the only way for people and sailors to navigate and find their way home. as technology has advanced and modern conveniences have been developed, though, this practice is rarely used and i find this a bit unfortunate. in some ways, the invention of the light bulb, while immensely valuable, impacts one's ability to even see the stars. people, in populated areas with big city lights, may not notice how bright the stars can really be. as a country girl, i often slept outside and gazed at the stars and knew that someone great must have made them twinkle and fall for me. and now, as an adult, i find myself seeking the stars and their creator when i am stressed and in need of comfort. there is something about viewing the expanse of the universe that creates a diametric feeling of closeness to me. it's like i can see the space the constellations fill circled around me and i feel safe.

when i think about the people in my life and those i encounter at work, i hope they have or can find something that brings them peace. there are portions of our troubles that, no matter what we do, we have no ability to control or to make them right through our own endeavors, especially, when our history and past circumstances impact our present. somehow, though it is difficult, we all have to figure out how to let go of certain items of insecurity in order to move on and let new things in. for me, i have to turn off the chaos by turning off the lights so that i can see the stars and their creator more clearly. for others, however, it may not be that simple.

someone i know recently bought themselves a special box to put their troubles in. a receptacle to place the panic in that only God can possibly resolve. it's important, i believe, when times are tough and faith is challenged to have something tangible that allows one to physically give away those unsettling fears to an unseen being and ask Him to remove them from you. for many, without that box to put their hands on and without the ceremony of gifting those pains to a higher power, praying just seems too far-reaching or simply may not feel like enough action to create the desired results.

that's why i feel like this box idea is genius!

so, here is my question... What would you put in your God Box?

taste, touch, sight, smell, hear...plus one

2011-09-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

last year, when ty was in kindergarten he brought home a series of pictures used to teach kids about the 5 senses. each picture had an enlarged body part that coincided with the sense being taught on that particular day until he knew about sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. when ty learned about taste, he brought home a picture with a giant tongue on it. ty learned about how sometimes, for whatever reason, a person may have diminished capacity in one sense and their brain reacts by heightening another sense to accommodate for the handicap. for example, a blind person may have an extraordinary sense of hearing to help them navigate their dark surroundings.

last week for my birthday, i followed a trail and a map and my brother jaren on a 22 mile hike that started in idaho and ended in wyoming. before we left, jaren asked our mom to cuddle his baby for him while we were gone hiking for the day. jaren has become my workout buddy and i knew he would be willing to accompany me over the mountains. i noticed while walking behind him,that anytime there was a boulder within arms length jaren would reach out and slide his fingertips across it to feel its' texture and temperature.

while hiking the winding trails, my mind wandered with me and covered all the topics that patrol my thoughts these days. i thought about my sister, lisa, and how much i miss her, and how deeply she experiences things, and how she is, finally, living the life she deserves filled with love and travel and athletic success. and, i thought about how when she hugs me she smells my hair. she says it helps her remember me while we are apart.

near sunset lake, jaren and i sat on a flat rock and looked at the topographical map that my oldest brother johnny printed for me on his architectural plotter. johnny, ever the quiet observer, has left his capable footprints on many a ridge top and canyon floor. he once exclaimed amazement at all the different shades of green there are in nature and, that statement, changed the way i looked at the world and fueled my interest to spend more time in the wilderness.

the world sometimes presents trials and ailments and my brother joey, a doctor, has learned how to ease them. with a stethoscope in his ears, he listens to heartbeats and without judgement, he provides support. once, joey heard the way a certain high-school senior talked to me and steered me away when i was too naive to know better and that was when i knew he had my back and would always take care of me.

for the last few miles of our hike, i led and jaren followed. i felt the coolness, emanating from the forest and the mountain fed lake, on my salty sun-parched lips as i jogged over the rolling landscape leading to the parking lot. while waiting for our ride, i purchased two bottles of chocolate milk and smiled with satisfaction after pouring the sweet liquid over my tongue and down my throat. the cold milk, a polar opposite of the warm water i had been drinking from my bleach-treated bladder bag, had intense flavor and it whet my appetite. when our ride arrived i asked her to navigate straight to a jackson hole restaurant for chunky salsa, salty chips, and a skillet-full of sizzling fajitas.

after 17 years, i can't identify my siblings without thinking about my youngest brother, josh. he died in a car accident at age 15. he had a big personality and people were drawn to him. somehow, it seemed, that he was able to orchestrate and entertain the masses and people often found themselves doing things for him. he had big blue eyes and long eyelashes that made it hard to say no to him. he was funny, and popular, and knew how to wink at girls. and, being around josh minimized our weaknesses and heightened our quality of life.

while driving home from my hike, it occurred to me, that together, my siblings and i make up a whole unit of senses and we all have our own unique abilities to share. when one sense is diminished, another is sent to provide support through their individual capabilities. my sense of taste and my love of good food is the catalyst i use to bring my family together or to comfort those in need. i cook and they come. this, sometimes, is the only thing i have to offer and i pray that it is enough. the others, follow their own senses and provide service accordingly.

and, somehow, this process is orchestrated by a sibling that no longer shares our space but continues to heighten our quality of life, help us navigate our surroundings, allow accommodation for our handicaps, and to remind us that we are not alone.

rushing through august

2011-08-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

i spent a summer or two, years ago, on idaho rivers kayaking with my brothers. we slid into our kayaks early in the day and played in the water until evening, only stopping to eat and warm ourselves on the sandy banks. when water rushes downstream over rocks and other landscapes it can create waves and those waves are put into "classes" according to their size. the class of a rapid can help a kayak-er determine whether their own skill level is adequate for its' difficulty. i, however, had a habit of judging a rapid simply by how queasy my stomach felt while i was looking at it.  there was one such string of rapids located on a sharp 90 degree turn in a river that was quite intimidating to me. i watched, as several of our party successfully navigated the big water and then i had a choice, i could follow the more experienced kayak-ers and learn something new or i could hop out of my craft and portage around the rapid.  choosing to portage would have relieved my anxiety but it would have been, more so than paddling through the rapids, physically challenging as it would require me to carry all of my gear up a steep embankment and around large boulders and then back down the hillside to the water. secondary to the physical fatigue of this endeavor was the fact that, mentally, i would take a step back and my fear of future rapids would continue.

for multiple reasons, the last year or so has been physically and emotionally tasking for me and my confidence has been low anyway but august, the entire month, seems to suck the marrow out of my bones a little bit more as each day builds up on the calendar.  in august of 2004, just days after my dad took his own life, i decided to continue training for my planned race even though the recent events made me feel, physically, like i was running through taffy and i could barely breathe. three weeks later, i finished the mesa falls 1/2 marathon, my 1st race of that distance, and proved to myself that i could face hard hill climbs and pain and still keep moving.

ty was born in late june of 2005 and three weeks later i climbed onto the saddle of my dad's road bike for the first time ever and started training for the rush triathlon. the rush, a race i had watched a few times with my dad, was to be held on the third saturday in august and i knew i had to do it, both for him and to provide a distraction for me.   with my doctor's approval, barring any bleeding issues,  i trained for 26 straight days and then finished the sprint distance for, and in memory of, my dad who never got to do it.

i have participated in the rush triathlon every august since then, without question, until this year.  i started running consistently in the spring of 2004 after a late mis-carriage and i trained year-round at a high level of intensity and stayed in really good shape. in fact, three years ago i was called on a wednesday evening to join a 3 person relay team for 50 mile mountain race being held on saturday. when jimmy, not a fan of my last minute decisions, asked me why i had to do it i reminded him that not many people are in good enough shape or are willing to run 18 miles in the mountains with only a few days notice. this last year though, my training has been at the lowest intensity and very sporadic and my confidence has suffered tremendously for it causing me to question my ability to race.

when august of 2011 began its' inevitable squeeze on my psyche i decided that more consistent training was necessary to keep myself moving and to help pull myself out of the taffy.  as i covered mile after very slow mile i began to realize that many of my august issues are old stresses that have been buried or, somehow, portaged around and left unresolved. issues, like feeling inadequate, being rejected and abandoned, losing control, and not being good enough began to resurface and force a confrontation and i have been warring with myself for a couple of weeks trying to make sense of it.

relationships with loved ones have suffered the august effects, too, and upon hearing about an issue i was having with olivia, a friend mentioned that my daughter was just trying to figure out who she is. while this thought struck me as an accurate conclusion for the behavior of a soon-to-be-teenaged girl, i realized that it is true for me, too.
last wednesday, i got a phone call from the race director of the rush wondering if i was going to return and defend my title as the previous years winner and course record holder. as he is also my friend, he asked me why i had not registered and was there anything he could do to help me out. i told him no at the time but little did he know (or maybe he knows me too well...) that he started a train of thought that took me back to the river and that kayak and i had to decide if i would portage or participate.

i was intimidated by my perception of others' expectations of me and how i should perform and i knew my lack of training would prevent me from competing at the level i have become accustomed to. i felt that my current skill level was not equivilent to the class of terrain i would encounter for this race.   i thought, however, that portaging this particular event was a bad idea and any physical pain and fatigue would be worth the resulting confidence boost and distraction i would receive as i worked my way through the course. i knew that i could not possibly out-perform my well-trained competitors and this would relieve some of the pressure but i also knew that part of me would try and i wasn't convinced i had it in me to cause my self more suffering than i was already experiencing. i made myself a little queasy trying to decide and had to chew on a few antacids to settle my stomach, just as i used to before big water sections in my kayak.

as life happens, i try to adapt and evolve and move forward and in some ways i am in a constant state of re-evaluating and searching to find who i am and like the waves on the rivers, i am always changing. however, for me, the most consistently successful way to resolve issues, gain confidence, and feel peace is through athletic endeavors, like the rush triathlon, climbing mountains, and kayaking idaho rivers. and, if i surround myself with other athletes at those events i can soak up their energy and i will grow without much effort.  as i become physically stronger, i build mental muscle that provides me the courage to confront whatever the landscape is that creates the waves i sometimes encounter and portaging, while sometimes necessary, is often detrimental to that process.

years ago, i chose to face those rapids head-on and i felt their strength splash me in the face and make me stronger as i paddled my way through and last saturday i soaked up that same power, though the water was calm, as i dove into the lake and took my place among other rush triathlon competitors. i learned more about myself, and about my place, and about my resilience in the combined moments of these athletic undertakings than i have ever learned from a portage. and, i learned that if i can complete a triathlon with very little training that i can probably make it through august.

august

2011-08-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

i love fall. i love sweaters. i love football games and thanksgiving and i love chocolate chip pumpkin cookies and i love hot chocolate with tons of marshmellows.
i love winter. i love snow. i love crisp cold mornings. i love hiking in the mountains and sliding down the hillside on my snowshoes and i love sledding with my kids. i love driving thru drifts and running in the dark.
i love springtime. i love new life and new love. and i love muddy trails and rainbows. i love baby animals and i love sunsets.
i love july. i love backyard bbq's and swimming pools.. i love sparklers and watermelon. i love campfires and i love toasted marshmellows. and i love a cool open water swim and long bike ride.

but i hate august. i hate the schedules and i hate the rushing around. i hate the heat when i'm trapped inside. i hate that august took my dad and my brother and my uncle. and i hate that august accentuates my crazy. and i hate that it sneaks up on me and it takes me until the 17th to figure out why i'm all out of sorts.

happy birthday to me

2011-08-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

i am going to be 36 years old soon. i panicked for a minute the other day when it occurred to me that 36 rounds up to 40 and 40 is only 10 years away from 50. it made me a little dizzy to think about being 50 but then i remembered that i am a perpetual child and that my life-style should allow me to dictate, somewhat, what 50 feels like and then my thoughts equalized. however, the fact remains and whether i like it or not, i have a birthday coming up and my age number has to change. not surprisingly, change causes me to reflect on my life and where i have come from and how to resolve whatever issues i am dealing with presently. historically, for me, my logic and my heart are most clear when i am training and when i indulge daily on lung-fulls of fresh cool air, and when i bathe myself in the brightness of sunrises, and when i surround myself with the camaraderie of equal friendships.

for several reasons, i have spent much of this last year neglecting my training, avoiding my friends, and dealing with life issues and insecurities that have made it difficult for even the most spectacular of sunrises to seep into my frontal lobe. except for some trails, a few road miles, and sporadic trips to the climbing gym i have been pretty inactive.

after watching me and the kids boulder at the gym yesterday, jimmy commented about how the kids were constantly calling attention to their routes and the muscles they are building and wanting him to express his excitement about their progress. we talked about how kids do things, often seeking acceptance and approval.

then, i realized i do this, too. as a perpetual kid, i still do things seeking acceptance and approval.

weeks ago, i went for a bike ride in the rain. it had been a long hard day at work and i needed some fresh air. i decided to ride down this old farm road that i knew had some good rolling hills on it. i took a risk, choosing this route, knowing that several days of rain would have made it muddy but i thought a little adventure might be good for me. within a few minutes, the wet dirt began sticking to my tires and filling my spokes and soon after that, i could no longer cover any ground because the mud was so thick. i ended up carrying my mud-heavy bike for about an hour, struggling with every step as my shoes sunk into the ground. what started as workout for stress relief quickly became an exercise in perseverance and endurance and instead of coming home relaxed, i came home covered in mud and bruises. after stripping down to my underwear in the garage, i walked through the house to my shower feeling a little exposed and very humbled.

it occurs to me that sometimes i put energy into things that, for what ever reason, are unable to reciprocate in kind, or at least, the way i hope they would. sometimes, seeking acceptance from others is a useless endeavor if i am unwilling to accept myself first. i don't know why, when i have learned so many things over my years, i continue to exhibit child-ish behaviors and seek for approval in places other than my own heart and mind. curiously, i wonder if i push limits, unintentionally, hoping for an outward expression of acceptance but fully expecting rejection and then, for some reason, i am confused when the latter happens. stupid, right?

for my birthday, i think i will give myself a gift. or several...i will give myself gifts of fresh air, daily sunshine, and loving family and friends. i fully expect that there will be times when i find myself on a difficult route or facing rejection and, hopefully, i will find a way to get through it and recover. mud washes off and painful bruises fade over time but as these experiences become part of me i hope i can allow personal acceptance to seep in with the sunshine and perpetuate personal change.

"never in your wildest dreams..."

2011-07-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

it's odd, sometimes, where the catalyst comes from. i have been considering the concept of regret lately and the creation of this line of thinking occurred while watching a "feeling bad for your actions and making amends" themed dance on a reality show. i was stunned by the looks of absolute anguish on both the dancers face and that of the celebrity judge. when finished, the dancer apologized to his mother for having been a little too rambunctious and causing her to struggle. In turn, the judge expressed sadness over youthful indiscretions and unkindnesses to others. from my couch, i could feel her regret. i watched her tear soaked face, and the way her features froze as her thoughts turned inward while being transported, by the message and power of this dance, back to days when she knew little of who she was and chose an action that would hurt another.

why is it that we make the decisions that we sometimes make? are we selfish? can we not fully understand the impact of our actions? do we not know who we are? do we not care about ourselves or not know our worth? are we lost? are we inherently flawed?

for the last three days at work we have been removing sections of malignant melanoma from the face of a man that i had as a teacher in high school. we have talked about how much time has gone by and how much i have changed and he said this to me, "never, in your wildest dreams, did you ever consider that you would be doing this procedure on your teacher this many years later?" honestly, i can recall very little of the subject that he taught me but i do remember that he was always kind to me. sadly, the depth of the melanoma in the skin indicates a poor prognosis and even removing all of it won't be enough to ensure his long term survival.

we have yet to repair his wound as the pathologist has not declared his margins to be clear and because we removed the last section of skin after regular work hours last night we missed the courier who delivers specimen to the lab. in order to continue the process for this patient, i brought the speciman home with me and will deliver it this morning and hope that these margins are melonoma free.

having this bio-hazard in our home sparked some conversation with my kids and some of their friends and i firmly stated my wish for them to always be nice to their teachers. they laughed and immediately thought of the pranks they wanted to play and giggled about certain teachers names, like kids do, and i knew they couldn't fully comprehend what i was trying to convey. i told them that someday they would grow up and be professionals and be required to perform services on/for the people who taught them knowledge and life skills and their competency could be judged, initially, on how they had behaved.

we, collectively as human beings, make decisions sometimes based on where we are, emotionally, in that moment and we cannot fully grasp the impact for ourselves and others. i have seen those looks before, the ones i saw on the dancer and the judge, and i have seen them in the mirror as i have questioned my actions and considered my carelessness. and though i have an idea where the emotional catalyst for my decision-making spurs from, i am not quite sure how to improve or resolve or find the grounding required to both stop making mistakes and to forgive myself for mistakes of yesterday.

i have, as many of us do, many flaws and imperfections to work on. but, thankfully, i can say i always treated this teacher with respect and i am incredibly grateful that his trust in this process is not compromised by my immaturity as a teenager.

and, i sincerely wish him well.

to my family

2011-07-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

we have done some traveling recently. when we left for texas, one of the first things we felt it necessary to do was to buy an atlas. every time someone would ask us "how much farther", we would tell them to check the atlas. our atlas could tell us where we were, presently, in relation to how far we had come and how much distance we had yet to travel.

we followed the atlas to texas and though many things have changed, both jimmy and i felt the history and memories of our first year spent together there as intensely as we felt the heat. we spent time with his family, told stories from their past, and learned briefly how to care for his father who is struggling with poor health due to diabetes, weight issues, and congestive heart failure.

i took my kids to bear lake last weekend for a small family reunion and spent saturday with my face to the sun and watched them play in the water like i did at their age. we, three generations of us, ate sandwiches at picnic tables with our feet in the sand while i remembered similar happenings from years ago with my grandparents and my siblings.

the next day, we traveled to randolph, utah to see my great grandmother's home and visit the cemetery where many of my maternal relatives are buried. we sat in the shade and listened to tales of m.i.a. p.o.w.'s, of infamous wolf kills, and of death that comes too soon for various reasons.

while visiting the now uninhabited home of my great grandmother, i peeked into the windows and saw an old hand-made quilt and i wandered around the out-buildings finding other old objects from their lives. i found myself considering my ancestry and wondering what kind of traits i may have inherited from powerful men and women whose cells i carry. as is the nature of life, there are bad things that come along with the good.

in september, i will celebrate my 36th birthday and in some ways i am younger now than i have ever been. as life throws me both opportunity and chaos forcing me to evaluate and re-invent i am learning, like my children, to communicate, to process, and to evolve. and to fix what i have broken, to serve, to fight harder, and to love myself better.

i would guess that, collectively, my siblings and jimmy's siblings share versions of similar stories and struggle likewise, to varying degrees, with issues passed down from those that came before us. but sometimes we, connected at times only through our weaknesses, forget that along with depression, self-hatred, addictive personalities, and weight issues, we have been handed incredible strength.

we often refer to the fact that our father ran 80-100 miles per week in his attempts to outrun his demons and we use this as an example of his inability to manage stress. we should, however, consider how physically and mentally demanding it is to put your body through that much work and celebrate this perseverance, dedication, and strength.

we should remember that grandpa rex, though struggling and dying young with kidney issues, took aim at those wolves and protected his cattle. he did this knowing, without a doubt, that he could use his rifle to its very limits when noone else could.

we should remember the women who bravely continued to carry and bear children even when the likelihood of loss due to infection, illness, and still birth was so great. and the women who, in an attempt to avoid ever allowing her children feel unloved and hungry, used the forethought and planning it took to feed us. and we should remember the women that slept on the floor near our beds when we were sick or injured.

these were the men and women that, eventually, got us here through hard work, planning, adaptability, and perseverance.

and we should remember that regardless of whether these skills were ones they developed or were learned behaviors, it makes no difference because we have them now. and we have used them, too. we have trained for and completed ironman triathlons,we have climbed big mountains and continued to grow in our abilities,we have gone to medical school and learned how to facilitate life and perpetuate health, we have conquered addictions, survived horrific loss, and provided support (and cheesecake) to our loved ones while they suffered despite our own heartache. and we can and will do it again.

where ever we are now, good or bad, we have the ability, the strength, the stamina, and the support to help ourselves and each other create positive change.

we just need to open up that atlas, see where we have come from, accept where we are now, pick a destination and move towards it.

i love you all.

the many faces of ty

2011-07-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

"you can count days, or you can make days count."

2011-06-26T18:40:00.000-07:00

After several attempts, I finally stayed awake through the movie Inception. I am still completely confused by the whole thing but, basically, the movie is about a team of people who build dreams within dreams to gather information and perpetuate certain future actions by their chosen subject. The team enters the dream state, does their business, and a "kick" or a quick jolt is used to wake them and bring them back to reality. The theory of "inception" is to implant an idea that when the subject awakens, he/she will then act upon it benefiting the party financing the entire thing. In order to make it seem as if the dreamer/subject came up with this idea on his own, the creators have to produce multiple layers of consciousness. Each added layer presents more challenges and more risk of getting stuck and it turns out that the main character, Cobb, has some secrets that begin to complicate matters for everyone. Certain events from his past keep Cobb from being able to move forward and he has "built" for himself some "memories" that because of guilt or other attachments he has been unable to let go and parts of these designs begin to infiltrate the dreams used for the mission. Due to the danger of becoming unable to distinguish between the architect-ed dreams and the "real world", Cobb and his team have chosen small items called "totems" that can be carried at all times and the weight and/or action of them help the user determine the reality of each situation. Cobbs totem is a spinning top that will fall when the gravity of reality pulls it downward.

Recently, I assisted with a surgical repair of a large melanoma that required the surgeon to separate a portion of the patients facial and neck skin in order to rotate it around to fill the space where the affected skin had been removed.  To assist the doctor, I held the skin in my hand while hemostasis was obtained. To help the patient, and lighten the sterile atmosphere of the room, I conversed with the patient and his wife. I became aware that they had been business acquaintances of my dad. While we talked, thoughts of my dad came flooding in. Memories of watching him work, sitting at his drafting table, and hearing him tell stories about meetings he attended.  I mentioned that it was nice to visit with people who remember him as there are many in my life now who have never met him.

Later that day I took some of my kids bouldering out to the old Teton dam site. As my thoughts wandered, I overheard the kids talking about the dam breaking and a grandpa (that they have never met) clearing the area that day of construction workers with a warning of impending danger and then fleeing the canyon behind them as the dam broke and washed away the earth behind him. And more memories came flooding in...I thought about driving out to the site with my dad, sitting next to him on the fabric seat of the old pick-up truck, eating cookies and drinking a cold can of rootbeer as I listened to his stories. It made me feel like a kid again.

So, as a proverbial kid feeling the loss of my father and without perspective gained over years of growth and prayer, I was unprepared to process my thoughts when the guy down the canyon began shooting his gun at the canyon walls.  More than a hundred shots and shells and echos later, I forgot how to breath and felt stuck between two levels of consciousness. One level where all I could hear was the sound of the weapon that took his life and another level as a mother feeling helpless to protect her kids as we walked out of the canyon. I was anxious not knowing where this shooter was, angry that no one was there to help me, and frustrated that I had so little control over my emotions. I felt like that top from the movie, spinning to no end in the dream state and it made me dizzy. I needed a "kick" or a totem to help me understand and move forward.

But, because I did not have a totem, I waited and struggled for days...so deep in this previously hidden level of space and consciousness, and I could hardly move.  My loss and lack of control so overwhelming to me that I was unable to see my way out of it. Logic pervaded me and I tortured myself with questions left unanswered, things I want desperately and couldn't have, and fears that weaken my self-esteem. And I could not wake up no matter how hard I fought the dream and it hurt.

After a night of restless sleep and with a stabbing pain in my back, I dragged myself out of bed, took some motrin, threw on some completely un-matched running clothes, drove out to Heise, and forced myself onto the hillside. And I counted. I counted my footsteps...and each breath until it was no longer an effort to take them. I continued upwards to the top and each time I purposefully emptied my lungs, I chose to let go of the chaos that interferes with everything else and that, for the last couple of days, had completely ruled me. I let go of negative thoughts, breathed away the desperation of missing people and things, and left the need for answers on the brush of that hillside.   It felt good. And it felt cathartic.

It was then that I remembered I do have a totem and I always have had it with me; I just need to remember how to use it.

It is the sound of my own breath when I move over the earth and I push my body to cover distance. It is the air in my lungs that allows me to climb to the tops of things.  It is the notes of my off-key singing when I bust out to the radio with my girls while the wind blows through the backseat. It is even the breath that catches when someone I love plants a soft kiss on my lips. It, for me, is the perfect totem and I won't forget it again.

I descended the hillside with renewed energy, deep rhythmic healing breaths, and a new level of consciousness.

I noticed something that I had not seen on the way up.  In my stressed out oblivion I had completely missed the cemetery that marks the sacred history of the family who developed the area. The words carved on the headstone of a friend from school, taken too early, read, "You can count days, or you can make days count."

And this, was just the "kick" I needed.

south park with ty and izzy

2011-06-25T07:03:00.000-07:00

this wind sucks...and blows!

2011-06-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

There is something about listening to the wind that slowly sucks the life right out of me and makes me feel completely alone and needy.   I hate to admit it but when the wind blows and my inner princess colors start to fly and I want just want to lay in bed, ring a bell, and have all my wishes served to me on a silver platter. I don't even want to expend the energy to figure out what my wishes are; I just want them delivered. And now. I want my mind read and my belly and my soul fed.

There is a bouldering route that I have been working on for months now.  (In the gym, because the weather is too crappy to entice me outside.) It had occupied so many of my thoughts that, in a way, it became a tangible item that I could carry around with me. When I first tried this route on the suggestion of another climber, I could not even do the first move. For me, the holds were more crimpy than what I was accustomed to and often, while working this route, my right wrist and forearm would fatigue much sooner than my desire and determination. Over time, I got stronger and I added to my route sequence until I could complete every move except the last one without even thinking about it. I could visualize each move in my head and I dreamt about it often. But, that last move! Ugh, it consumed me and I did it wrong so many times that my tangible item become something that carried me around.  Finally, with support, encouragement, and constant beta from other climbers, I was finally able to send it.  It was awesome. But, sadly, it felt a little anti-climatic for me. Stupid, right? In prior athletic endeavors, when I have finished or won a race, my family is often there and they hug me in celebration. And last night, that was missing. I mean, Ty was there but he's a little too big for his britches if-ya-know-what-I-mean...and hugging his mom in public is no longer cool and I wanted a proper hug. I have become spoiled by supportive loved ones.

So, here's my question. Now what? Now that this route is no longer fueling me, what do I put my energy into for the summer? I'm pretty sure my yellow route won't miss me as it will have plenty of company but I kinda feel a little lost now.

Ridiculous, I know.  The moon is full, and I mean full...have you seen it? And this wind is making me crazy!   So, help me out and tell me...Now what?

more weekend adventures

2011-06-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

the kids and i stopped at maverick on the way to kelly canyon for our hiking adventure. i had to entice them with snacks to get them to go with me and i asked olivia to load my pack while i drove. my sweet olivia is twelve now and only listens to about 1/3 of the things i say to her and instead of stashing the extra gatorade's in the back of my car for future use, she shoved them in my pack.

we parked the car, put on our packs, and started hiking up the road to the trail head. the route i had chosen for this short, kid friendly hike began with 20 feet of muddy incline steep enough to require one to dig their feet into the mush and grab hold of the brush in order to make progress up the slope. it quickly became obvious we weren't the only species making our way onto the trail as we noticed deer, dog, and even eery bear prints scratched into the earth. i had been talking to the kids about paying attention to nature and the amazing world that surrounds us and this discovery made us even more aware. i wasn't too worried though as i guessed that those tracks had been made when the ground was much wetter from rain than it was presently, giving those animals at least a day or two head start.

olivia and lincoln began teasing ty about the possibility of his falling into some poison ivy and that he better learn how to identify it. ty is the youngest child, accustomed to being spoiled, and tends to be quickly reactive and, of course, this set him off and he started whining. walking directly behind ty and his newly acquired "walking stick", olivia realized she was in danger of being hit in the face while ty swung this stick at passing trees and she began yelling at him to walk faster. i told her to go in front of him, which is when the whining about "budging in line" started. at this point, lincoln, in all seriousness asked, "are we done yet?" i looked at my watch and reported that we had been hiking for precisely 6 minutes and 20 seconds.

we continued our hike, following the trail which at times declined for a while before heading upward again. we were still in the trees and it was difficult for the kids to visualize the top of the mountain. having hiked this trail before, i knew what to expect and could encourage them on with a explanation of what kind of landmarks to look for and could provide an estimated time frame which helped them be more patient with our progress.

soon, we got to a clearing and the trail became more obvious to them. the markers were no longer attached to trees but to the tops of tall metal spikes that pierced the ground and showed the way. we agreed that we would hike two more markers and then sit for lunch and rest. once there, i pointed out that since we had hiked high enough to see over the trees that once impeded our visibility, we could now see the valley floor both eastward and westward and the view was spectacular. and for a few moments the kids could appreciate this new perspective, given to them only after effort and sweat had been shed.

we sat, we watched, we ate, and we talked. we pointed out the landmarks that we could see differently now from above, like the giant hole in the ground caused by a mudslide, the roads, and the rocks that have become familiar to us over the last year of exploring new hobbies. and while the kids watched the earth, i watched the kids...and gained a new perspective of them...beyond their whining and their complaining. i could see that they got it, if only a portion of it but they got it, nonetheless.

i noticed at this point that my pack was loaded with a lot of extra weight; way more gatorade than we could possibly consume on this short hike and while i was strong enough to carry it without problem, it was still more than i needed to haul. i had no choice, on top of the mountain, but to stick it back in my pack and carry it back down to the vehicle. after we resumed walking, a herd of cows forced us to circle around the known trail and through the brush side-hilling towards a low spot in the landscape and a dry stream bed that i believed would eventually lead us back to the trail or at least down to the canyon floor and our ride home.

and it did.

when we reached the road, we crossed over and soaked our feet in the cool stream of mountain run-off and expressed our excitement of all we had seen and experienced. the kids talked about all the tangible things they had seen; the trees, the tracks, the flowers, the other peaks, and the clouds.

but i hope that someday they would see more.

i hope they will see that sometimes we have to push further to get through the trees and into the clearing. i hope they will see that following other footprints is often a good idea but that sometimes we have to be brave enough to forge our own path. i hope they will see that sometimes we carry unnecessary weight and we should re-evaluate, often, what we keep in our packs and that sometimes our complaining prohibits us from fully accepting our outward surroundings and that sometimes we have to dig our feet in and pull ourselves up out of the mush.

and i hope they will see that the view and the rewards and the snacks are much sweeter when earned and when shared with people we love.

sunshine

2011-06-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

i hiked/ran a trail today that i have been on before but only when it was covered in several feet of snow. i found it very interesting that while i could recognize many of the landmarks that helped me determine my progression in that snow, i also noticed things i couldn't see before because they were buried. i noticed tunnels through the brush and boulders i'd never seen. not just rocks, actual boulders. and giant gnarly tree trunks and tiny streams of water. and it was hot! so hot that as i climbed in elevation i peeled off layers of clothes and let the heat from the sunshine cover my skin. it occured to me that all of these natural forces had been there all along but had been surrounded by snow; lost from sight.

this past year has been very challenging for me and i have felt at times that i had lost myself in the stress and chaos of it all. i haven't been doing the things that feed my soul and my spirit and my confidence has been low. over time though, with the help of people that i love and a whole lot of searching, i have slowly been able to crawl out of this empty space and see myself again. and it feels really good.

i wondered, out loud, where i had been for so many monthes. and then i realized i had not been lost, just buried under the layers of protection. like the elements and formations that had been covered in snow, parts of my personality and my peace had been submerged. and i just needed some sunshine to melt off those layers.

as i hiked/ran on the trail the wind danced through the trees and blew wisps of hair from my face i was able to view the world and see those hidden treasures that had been lost to me before. more importantly though, i saw myself again as i looked unencumbered by stress. and as i peeled off layers of clothing i let burdens fall away and uncover those creations that have built my character. it was good, and i was grateful for the sunshine.

i AM grateful for the sunshine and love that i have some in my life.

sunday afternoon excursion in pictures

2011-06-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

crappy cell phone pictures, but pictures nonetheless

here's hoping there will be many more of these in my near future...

note to self

2011-05-31T05:34:00.000-07:00

when all else fails...just breathe.

water

2011-05-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

years ago, while bathing together, isabel told me she wanted my friend heather to be her mother. it kind of stung and i felt hurt. but, as i sat soaking in the heat of the tub watching the bubbles swirl away from my skin while she poured water from a cup over my head, i realized what she meant by the words she chose. she loved heather and felt safe with her; the limits of her 3 year old vocabulary forced her to use the one word she knew that was synonymous with those qualities. then, i got it and was no longer threatened by her statement.

it's funny sometimes...the words we use to describe our thoughts and our feelings. understanding others and ourselves really, often requires some sort of super power, gravitational pull, a full moon, or a planetary alignment, etc...to get it right. i think it's common for us to repeat things we have heard before in our homes or from the media that seem to represent us when we can't create correct verbiage on our own. emotions cycle around our heads, trying to find the quickest escape route and sometimes they take a detour confusing things for everybody involved.

have you ever heard someone else speak your thoughts for you and have it finally click? or have you felt one way for a long time and then realized, as people and things in your life evolve, that specific space in your head has morphed into something different entirely?

there were a few topics that, while he was living and despite great effort, my dad and i were unable to agree on. we could not merge our versions of understanding; our communication limitations prevented the alignment necessary to share one solar system. as things have changed, though, i have come to the realization that for the most part it shouldn't have mattered if we stood on the same ground at all and that many times we even traveled parallel paths towards the same destination without ever having our eyes opened to it.

how grateful i am that God allows for a continuation of progression and growth even after life has ended and we can no longer communicate with others on the same plane. through the peace this belief provides it is encouraging to me in the space i occupy now that when i encounter situations that require interpretation, as with isabel in the tub, that with some effort, it is possible to hear what someone else is feeling even if the words used seem to report something else entirely. and i know that the effort required to figure it out is well worth it.

there have been and will continue to be many "bathtime" conversations with the people i love in my life and i pray that, like the water isabel poured over my head as i contemplated and analyzed her statement, there will be many waves of understanding to bless those interactions and perpetuate growth in our ability to fully communicate and know one another.

shoelaces

2011-05-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

i saw a t.v. show recently about these cute puppy lovin' kids who, as a sign of their affection, shared a set of special shoelaces. the boy is then teased by his friends and he takes his off. when his cute girlfriend sees this, she feels hurt and changes hers too. next, in an attempt at reconciliation, he gives her a new shoelace but she refuses to accept it. instead of explaining to him that his actions triggered some insecurities, she suffered in silence and hurt him back by refusing his offerings. she probably didn't even realize at the time that was what she was doing; her own sadness too great to allow her to see what was happening on the outside. why did she do that? is it a learned behavior or an instinctual defense mechanism? or is she overthinking it and holding herself back from having what she really wants?

i wish i knew what she was thinking...

i spent time bouldering in the gym today and made progress on some projects i've been working on. some of the moves i had struggled with previously felt increasingly more comfortable as i warmed up my muscles and fought for improvement. i moved from one hold to the next until i fell off. then, i got back up and tried again. it felt good to climb further and it felt good to smooth out beginning sequences. but, then i start to get pumped and the fatigue builds up and i begin to overthink it.

clmbers tend to be a pretty supportive group; they cheer and provide beta. yet, i generally don't hear anyone until i am off the wall; my bouldering brain not advanced enough to multi-task. i can really only do one thing at a time when bouldering. after, though, i can hear the advice and i can see myself following through in my head. i get back on that wall though, and...i don't really know what happens. a sequence i had just breezed through feels like work and i lose my place. it gets all jumbled up in my head and i can't focus on the end goal anymore. all i can think about is the frustration of failure and the insecurity of others watching me struggle. all the beta and support, however great, slides off until i can bring myself back in from that self-centered space that occupies my head when i struggle.

maybe that little girl felt the same way. you know, so lost in her own white noise that she couldn't hear the whisper of her friend talking directly to her heart. yes, he spoke with shoelaces but she should have heard him loud and clear and been able to reciprocate.

all climbers, and regular people for that matter, go through periods of struggle alternated with others of growth. i am so much more climbing-strong and a tiny bit more climbing-smart than i was when i first started and if i work hard i should continue to evolve and improve. and, over time, those periods of self-centered confusion will decrease as i become more confident.

And hopefully, that silly girl will see her way through and accept those shoelaces from her cute little boyfriend.

Reminder

2011-04-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

Note to self: Consistant training is how you keep yourself balanced.

Isabel Kathryn Hirrlinger turns eight

2011-04-09T13:16:00.001-07:00

The sun is shining but...

2011-04-03T06:33:00.000-07:00

I could use a little of this kind of sunshine.

happy thoughts

2011-01-24T20:52:00.000-08:00

I love that, in the mountains, wind blowing through the trees sounds like water!

Life...and stuff.

2011-01-16T16:08:00.000-08:00

Covered by their winter abundance, the boughs droop to the ground in stress. The sky is close and the air is moist on my face as I move through the trees. I'm awake before the snowcat and the snow is deep and sticky and wet on the trail. Feeling the weight of the winter on my feet and life's burdens on my shoulders, my movement is slow and my heart feels heavy.

They say that when one sense is limited another gets amplified. And, for me this morning, the thick fog impairs my vision enough that I can hear, out loud, the thoughts cycling through my head ... I've known her my whole life and now she's gone. Her family will miss her but she has suffered so much lately, the cancer and subsequent treatment and sudden loss of her husband ultimately too much for her... Then, I think about Morgan, cancer free and recovering from a double mastectomy at age 16. That girl is beautiful, feisty, and tough as nails. . . My sister and her daughter with broken hearts, as they've watched a loved one be replaced by an unrecognizable entity ravaged by addiction . . . A wife, not even close to complete since the death of her husband . . .

I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself when others are dealing with so much more. . .Saying goodbye to parts of themselves, their mothers, their lost children, their souls, their soulmates, their security. How can I justify my lost sleep and tears? I can, because all of these others are part of me, part of what makes me...well, me. Their loss is my loss and I feel their broken hearts and I am powerless to resolve it for them. Loving them seems like peanuts compared to what I would offer if I could.

With tired legs, I climb the hill and watch the trees occasionally lose the battle and drop their burdens to the ground. Suddenly free, these branches whip upward before returning to their natural position while others continue to fight against the piles of snow that threaten them.

It occurs to me that sometimes I am one tree, fighting the good fight and sometimes I am another, giving in to the weight of the snow and for a minute I consider how I can, more often, be the first tree, stalwart and strong.

Then, I realize that though I am weary, I am still moving and making progress through the trees. I have reached the summit and have begun the decline that would eventually take me back to my vehicle. As I hike, my steps are quicker and my stride opens up to cover more distance with each turnover until I am running down the hillside, powder up to my thighs, my snowshoes sliding with each footfall. I have to move quickly now that gravity is aiding my descent and I am laughing, out loud, with the joy of the physical freedom and the relief of stresses having been processed throughout my climb.

I know now that loving them is enough and that even if a few of my branches fall I can still stand strong against the elements and protect the smaller trees on the downhill slope.

2010-12-13T11:28:00.000-08:00

SNOW SNOW SNOW

2010-11-21T16:03:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited about the snow...and warm chocolate chip cookies!

Antelope inspiration

2010-10-31T18:08:00.000-07:00

I sprained my ankle this summer and I've been pretty sick for a while now. Nothing too serious but enough to wear me out and make me miss the majority of my workouts. In fact, when I begin again, I'll be starting over and the thought of where I was in comparison to how I feel now kind of freaks me out.

It's so tough to get started! And I feel like I'm running with someone else's body. Someone else's broken, tired body...

I was laying on the couch today while Jimmy was flipping channels on the television. His remote rested on a hunting show just as the hunter made the decision to use his tag to help an injured antelope instead of waiting for the trophy pronghorn they had seen earlier to come in. The antelope appeared to have a broken front leg and his walking was labored. The hunter took aim with his bow, shot, and the arrow pierced the animal's body. The antelope ran about a hundred yards before it fell to the ground. That scene only lasted seconds but in that short time it occurred to me that when this antelope ran...it was fast. The antelope had adapted to it's injury by dragging it's damaged leg and used only the other three to move. It could barely walk, but it could run... super fast!

How often do I allow my weaknesses dictate what I can do? I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately. I've been tired, and cranky and whining about a sprained ankle and some pesky body aches instead of adapting to what my present circumstances could allow me to do.

ENOUGH!

I'm going to ignore the fact that the hunter shot the antelope and it's now hanging on a wall somewhere and focus on the way that animal moved when pressed. It was awesome to watch and for some disturbingly strange reason, it was the push that I needed to get moving again.

I wish I was here today.

2010-10-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

Swimming in the river and laying in the hot sand.

2010-09-12T12:52:00.000-07:00

This sheep is stuck on the east wall of the canyon at the dam. I can't figure out how to get it out of there. ???

I did, however, figure out how to master this dyno from the sit start to the ramp on this route. I've been working on it all summer. I'm pretty stoked about it. I can even do it without looking like a total ameteur.

Darby

2010-08-19T14:17:00.001-07:00

I love this picture of me and Jimmy. It's funny how we are standing...Olivia took the picture and you can't tell that we are balancing on the guard rail at the top of this mountain pass. It's kind of like having a secret...but one I'm willing to share. This picture makes me think of something much more than the scenery. It is a promise, if only for us, for new beginings and our journey to try new things and REALLY live life together. We drove to Lewiston this last weekend for a golf tournament and a family vacation. We covered new ground and rolled the windows down. We felt the heat of the sun and cooled ourselves in the rivers. We laughed like kids and sang really loud. Don't we look content? and happy?

Memories

2010-08-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to go on vacation with my family and make memories for them and for us, Jimmy. Thanks for working hard and making it happen.

Love,

Jen

To my sister!

2010-07-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

I love you. I miss you.

Love, Jen

To me, you are

2010-07-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

That thick fudgy goodness in the bottom of the drum stick cone!

I love you, Jimmy

OVERCOMING IT ALL

2010-06-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

Everybody has trials and issues to overcome, right? Some are more challenging than others but all require us to have the pliability it takes to learn how to manage and to find a new normal. It's Father's Day and I miss my dad terribly. Since his death in 2004 I have had to stretch my soul to try to understand why he left us and how to know him though I can't really ask him any questions. And I mean REALLY KNOW him. Just being aware of how he likes his sandwiches and that he liked to run really isn't enough today.

My dad ran. A LOT. I think he started running because life seemed challenging to him and he needed to de-stress but when he got really good at it he continued to run because he loved the challenge of it and he wanted/needed/craved the instant rewards of winning a race or improving his times. It made him feel worth; like he was "somebody" for a minute. He trained like nobody I've ever known but I think he was always running FROM something. Everyday, he ran as hard as he could away from his childhood, his stress, his inability to process, his insecurities and ran towards a finish line of acceptance.

Most of the technical things I know about running and racing, I learned from him. But, I know I do it for different reasons.

Yesterday, I had a unique opportunity to be part of something big. My friend Lisa, a world-class ultra-runner, concluded a charity run for children in need and I got to walk/run the last 50 miles with her. She has been walking and running 50 miles in each of the 50 United States over the last 62 days trying to spread the word of her mission to raise money to help kids. Her journey has been incredibly challenging and physically battering. Her left foot, most likely broken, was causing her a tremendous amount of pain. But she just kept moving and praying. She has so much faith that God will help her help these kids that she just overcomes any amount of personal suffering for the chance to alleviate the suffering of others.

It inspires me to believe we can endure, and our trials don't have to define us, we don't have to repeat history and we can do more. And yesterday, I did more. More than I thought I could. I covered twice as many miles than I have ever covered before...and it hurt. A lot. But I never gave up.

I thought a lot about my dad and wondered what he would have thought about what I accomplished and the kind of person I have become. Would he have come to watch? Would he have run with me? Would he have understood how "huge" this was for me? What would he have said? Could he have expressed it? Or would he have kissed me on the forehead and said "You know I love you, right?"

Yesterday, I learned a great deal about overcoming our issues and the stress that will inevitably find us in this life. And while I have peace and a new normal without my dad, sometimes, I just wish he could come over and answer my questions.

Or take a nap on my floor.

For you, Barb. Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T17:40:00.000-07:00

Pictures for you from the girls plus Jaren trip to Salt Lake for the wedding of my neice Kylee. We had a great time. Love you!

Little Cottonwood Canyon

2010-05-09T17:31:00.001-07:00

I wish we had these boulders in my backyard! Jaren, the girls, grandma, and I had a great time.

Bella Rosa

2010-05-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

http://bellarosabikes.blogspot.com/

Want to know a way to kill 10 minutes?

2010-03-31T06:55:00.000-07:00

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 . . . listen to your four year old count as high as they can. Which, in this case, happened to be 300. It takes a while.

Um, who taught that kid to count that high? I'm sure it wasn't me.

How to survive a windy day!

2010-03-25T17:35:00.001-07:00

So, it's super windy. I mean, it is March in Idaho. I should be used to it but I'm not. It still makes me want to crawl in bed and watch netflicks all day. Or DVR movies, if you have any good ones. Which, I don't. But, I was already wrapped like a burrito on the couch so I thought, "I might as well watch something." So, I turned one on.

And then, Claire came over to play with Izzy.

I was watching the girls watch the wind as they licked pink frosting off the beaters (my other windy day survival tool) and I then I had to laugh when Claire said,

"Boy, It's a buffoon out there! You know, a really bad storm."

It was funny.

DVR just might be overrated.

500 days

2010-03-10T17:37:00.000-08:00

I'm feel like I'm kind of burnt out! It's cold. It breaks freezing temps. It snows. It melts. I get excited for spring and then it snows again. It's almost as nauseating as a roller coaster and I've had enough. Even the kids are so stuck in their routines that they can't see what's happening. I took Ty and some friends on, what I thought, would be a fun excursion and after the wildlife museum, the geology museum, a run around the indoor track, and a stop at great harvest for some pumpkin chocolate chip bread the boys said to me, "When can we go play? This, is just hanging out with you, mom, we want to go home and play." Is it cabin fever?

I'm ready for a change of season. A transition or something.

So, I watched a movie called 500 days of summer. I know, it's been out for a while now and I've wanted to see it but . . . who has time, right. Anyway, it's about a guy who, kind of, has settled in his professional life but has high expectations for romance and love and finding "the one" and such. He chronicles his life with Summer, who he believes, is "the one" by showing the viewer different situations from the 500 days that they are in each other's lives. I'm not really giving away anything here, the narrator tells you immediately that this movie is not a love story.

She's not the one. But, she is the one who helps him realize that he's capable of more and reminds him that his romantic ideals are not crap even though her rejection of him makes diarrhea out of the "soul mate" fuel he fed his future with prior to meeting her. Professionally, he writes sappy, lovely greeting cards driven by the inspiration of a happy heart followed by "I understand the misery" type cards in the aftermath of the break-up. And later, she has to remind him the loves really does exist after she took it away from him.

Man, he was miserable for a while. Soul-sucked and drained.

Kind of like how I feel these days. I need sunshine. I need spring.

On day 500 the misery ends and new "prospects" begin.

I need some new prospects. Warm weather. Running shorts. Sweat that doesn't freeze.

How many years has it been?

2010-03-01T17:30:00.000-08:00

How long has it been?

Since we ate cheesecake at that coffee shop in Fort Worth?

And those bikers with big beards and bandannas joined us at our table and I thought they might kill us but you made fast-friends with them and talked to them about the history of the Hell's Angels and bike clubs?

And I wore that really awesome green dress that you bought me which made me think it would be ok if they killed us because at least I would look good?

And we kissed as we walked down the street in the hot Texas heat and we talked about our future. And I thought for sure we'd get married and live happily ever after and we'd take good care of each other and who ever else came along?

Well, we are still together and I still have that green dress in our closet and I still like to kiss you and we still take care of each other and everybody else who has come along and I'm glad you protect me from getting killed on the street.

Thank you for all the years from then to now.

I love you.

Happy Anniversary

TIRED

2010-02-18T17:01:00.000-08:00

SOOOOOOOOOOO TIRED. I have to give a talk in Church. Please pray for me.

BELLAROSABIKES

2010-02-01T06:40:00.000-08:00

Check this out.

http://bellarosabikes.blogspot.com/

I double dog dare you. :)

TY SAYS:

2010-01-28T18:02:00.001-08:00

"Hey Izzy. You're pimp! That means cool. Pimp, means cool"

"THEY GROW UP TOO FAST!"

2010-01-22T19:29:00.000-08:00

Remember this?!

Today I had a conversation with Ty.

It went like this...

TY: "Mom, I spilled the cereal."

ME: "Ok, pick it up and eat it."

TY: "Mah-ummm, I AM NOT A VACUUM ANYMORE!"

That's a change, I thought. But then again, I never did find any spilt cereal.

A NEW COLLECTIONS OF SORTS

2010-01-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

"Mom, I love you so much...I could pop your head off."

"Oh mom, I love you so much, I want to squeeze you! Tight, like a lemon!"

"Dad, I want to squeeze mom like a lemon and smash you like mashed potatoes."

"Mom, I love you 100 and 62."

Stay tuned...I'm sure I will get to add to this list.

Dear Grandma & Papa

2009-12-24T20:25:00.000-08:00

As you know, it's Christmas. We've been making candy. Lots of it. Our fudge is great, mom even made a new kind this year...cookies and cream. She made all kinds of goodies: peppermint creams, orange creams, caramels, and even divinty. We can't really repeat some of the things she mumbled when the mixer got super hot and the candy wasn't done yet...something about too much moisture in the air and a few potty words :) We had some delish pumpkin craisin bread for breakfast today and tomorrow we are going to have crepes. Our mom must really love us.

We are crazy excited for Santa to come. I hope he doesn't bring us any coal...we've been trying to be good helpers for the last couple of days. Is Santa still watching?

At grandma Irene's house tonight we did the nativity. Lincoln played the baby Jesus. He was wrapped up in a silky pink blanket. Libby and Izzy sand some songs together and noone could stop laughing when Libby started to sneeze and couldn't sing anymore. My mom asked dad to record it so you could see it but it wouldn't work. She's been trying to think of something special to send to you but the best thing she could think of is to share us with you. Memories to put in your hearts, instead of something to dust on your shelf.

Please think about us watching Home Alone and hear us laughing.

Please think about us in the kitchen, rolling candy and licking chocolate-covered spoons and getting chocolate covered faces.

Please think of us, bundled in our winter clothes, delivering plates of treats to our neighbors.

Please think of us, cuddled on the couch watching Christmas movies and listening to music.

We had a blackout for a few hours last week. We lit all the candles in the house and sang songs about Jesus.

We've been having handstand contests so we practice alll day long.

We have everything we could ever need. We are happy and having fun.

We wish you were here. We love you.

Olivia, Lincoln, Isabel, Ty

me, izzy, and other assorted whatnots

2009-12-15T21:43:00.000-08:00

Insert lots of smart and witty comments here...I can't think of any.

BAD DOG!

2009-12-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

So, here's the thing. It's about 100 degrees below zero. It's so cold, I can't stand it.
I'd hate it with a fiery passion if I thought my anger would raise the temps but it won't, so, for now all I can do is allow Duke to be inside for a while.

I grew up on kind of a busy road. As a child, every pet we ever owned got ran over by some sort of motorized vehicle. Jaren once rescued a dog named pirate who had just had it's hind legs ran over by one car and was in danger of being smashed by a semi-truck. Our parakeet got eaten by a stray dog and Bandit even got shot by our crabby old neighbor, Bud. Lots of tears were shed. We had quite the pet cemetery out there on the archer/lyman highway. Full pet cemetery = Apathy/Indifference to pets.

Brittnay, my office manager at work, is an avid pet lover and is also very adept at making me feel guilty. I made the mistake of mentioning my lackluster feelings about pets to her and the sad puppy dog look she gave me induced me to start spending more time with Duke. I've been taking him running, going for walks, and letting him spend some time inside.

Duke can be annoyingly endearing and sometimes just plain annoying. He lays on Jimmy and the kids like he's a human and has inched his way into our laps and our hearts and leaves remnants of his love all over our clothes and carpet.

But today, takes the cake!

He was sleeping on his towel (Good Doggy!) when Olivia called for a ride home and being blinded by his serene appearance I left him there for 10 minutes while I drove down to pick her up. This is what I found when I got back.

Ummm, Sorry about your slippers, Linc.

RANDOM DELIGHTS

2009-12-05T08:59:00.001-08:00

LIFE IS FULL!

BLINDSIDE

2009-11-27T09:08:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling lately with all the excess. Excess clothes. Excess food. Excess apathy. It's just too much! A couple of my children needed some pants that would cover their ankles so we went shopping last week and one of them kept asking for more, more, more. (In an effort to protect her first grade feelings...I won't tell you which child it was.) Anyway, I said no and with an arm-full of soon to be purchased stuff, she pouted "I never get anything!"

I was doing the laundry this morning and somewhere hidden in the huge pile of excess, I found those same pants, tags still attached, unworn and forgotten.

For weeks, we've been planning to see the movie, BLINDSIDE, to entertain us after we gorged ourselves with holiday delights. I was really excited to see this movie for two reasons...one, it looked really good and two, I thought it could illustrate to my children how blessed and lucky they truly are.

The movie is about Michael Oher, a BIG dude who, basically, has no one to take care of him or care about him until, this family (played by Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw) with lots of excess, takes him in. He learns how to study, he learns how to be loved, and he learns how to play football. On the field one day as he is struggling to learn his place, his "new" mother stalks out and shows him how to protect his quarterbacks' BLINDSIDE like he was his "family."

Well, Michael does more for this family, in teaching them about what is truly important than they do for him by buying him some new big & tall clothes. And in so doing, Michael, protects them from their own excess-driven blindsides.

The movie is great! I would recommend it to anyone. There were a few little situational naughties that were too much for small ears but still worth the lesson that can be taught.

See the movie. Let me know what you think.

Picture borrowed from the world wide web! Thanks

crazy busy!

2009-11-19T05:58:00.000-08:00

We are all slammed with stuff to do. It's nuts! But I'm excited for Jaren and his family to move back here.

I wonder if he'll get out of bed early enough to work out with me. :)

IZZY RAKES LEAVES

2009-10-24T16:26:00.000-07:00

Where the wild things are

2009-10-17T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm on the fence. Maybe, I'm just emotional. There's kind of a lot going on lately. I was talking movies recently with a co-worker when we decided that some movies just should not be seen when emotions are wacko to begin with and maybe this is one of them.

Linc and I disagreed about which movie we should see. Actually, Linc and I disagree about pretty much everything so when we were making plans, he threw a fit and chose to stay home and read instead of going to the movie with me. But I was going to have none of that, so, as punishment for his beligerance I made him attend the movie anyway. I felt hurt, and guilty, and inadequate when we got there.

So, Max, is kind of an angry, lonely, uncontroll-able kid who doesn't know how to express himself. "I'm going to eat you!" And the wild things have all kinds of different issues going on, many of which, I found myself relating to for different reasons. Judith is a perpetual downer. Carol is filled with fear-driven anger. The goat character has an invisibilty complex. (Funny, I can't remember it's name...) Some of them isolate, some of them ignore their own needs, and some of them run away when things get hard. "It's hard to have a family."

Anyway, after all the chaos, sleeping in a pile, and dirt clod fights, Max learns his lesson and goes home to his mother and they have this sweet bonding moment and all becomes right with the world.

I may have to wait longer.

View the movie. See for yourself.

Ummm, I stole this picture from the world wide web! Just so you know.

NEED I SAY MORE?

2009-10-09T16:54:00.001-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OLIVIA

2009-09-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

Tuscon Marathon

2009-09-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

I have a brother named Jaren. He's training for his first marathon. Between now and Dec. 13th he will pound out a few hundred miles in preparation for the priviledge of lining up with 1000's of other runners elbowing their way through the streets of Tuscon from one O named place to another. Along the route, he will probably experience some profuse sweating, some serious joint aches, and even some....ahem...stomach disturbances. About mile 22 is when his body will start to REALLY hurt and the mental battle to just. keep. moving. to. that. finish. line. will begin. And when he gets to that little hill located about mile 23.5 and it feels like it might as well be Everest he'll be tempted to walk and it's o.k. if he does. I'm going to tell you right now...at least once he's going to question his whole, "I'm gonna run a marathon" thought process and for a few days afterward he might even pray for some sort of mercy from the heaven's. He'll have to keep reminding himself what it felt like to cross that finish line and to know that he picked a pretty darn challenging goal, worked for it, got tougher, and followed through.

AND HE'S GOING TO PAY FOR THIS EXPERIENCE!!!.

I think I'll do it with him. :)

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?

2009-09-06T17:43:00.001-07:00

That we get to have so much fun????

BIG WEEKEND!

2009-08-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

HURRICANE PASS

2009-08-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Yes. Those are Tetons behind me. I kind of like to climb mountains. Can you see why?

EVERYONE WINS!

2009-08-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

Everyone Wins. I believe that. Even being brave enough to break out of your norm to train and try something new means you are a winner. Can you read my shirt? Click on the picture to make it bigger.

This is a blurry picture of me and my friend Heather. She has wanted to do the RUSH for a really long time and this year...SHE DID IT! I'm so happy for her. I know her experience will motivate more people to step out of their comfort zone.

SHE'S AWESOME.

What does that make me?

2009-08-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

This Saturday is the Rexburg Rush Triathlon. I look forward to it every year and I train....HARD for it. But not this year. I've been asked to come back and "defend my title" and I am NOT ready. For the last 6 weeks I've been working full time and not training and this Saturday I'm going to walk head-on into certain defeat. And I mean a complete trashing. I'm going to do it anyway.

Does that make me brave or Stupid????

I'm pretty sure I'm going to get Struck down by Lightning!

2009-08-09T15:29:00.000-07:00

I went to a "prayer service" yesterday for my dad's brother. His name is David. Honestly, I know very little about David but I think I can safely assume that since he grew up with my dad, that at the very least, the formative years of David's life were similar to my dad's and therefore they shared some of the same issues. I do know that David loved and looked up to my dad. David even ran a few marathons. On Monday August 3rd, David was overcome by his issues and found the end of his life. His family is struggling to come to terms with this loss and some are in the denial stage, choosing to believe this was an accident. I'm sure however, that as soon as acceptance kicks in this family will be able to begin to horrid process of building a life without David.

Back to this service, and my inevitable striking down...the man whose immense responsibility it was to bring some solace to this grieving family, a family who went through another shocking and horrific death five years ago, STOOD AND TALKED ABOUT HIMSELF! He also, continued to support the myth that "an accident" had happened to David which invited a feeling of shame to the service and in the use of the word suicide. This man, this PERSON, wearing clothing that symbolizes God or a Higher Power, decided to tell this family that the song they had chosen to play in memory of their dad and brother, was written by a friend of his from the seminary, in a "name dropping" I-know-a-famous-person kind of way! Oh, and then, as an afterthought, he told a story about how the God is always near us and that he believed God would be there for David, "even if this was a choice and not an accident." This man fell way short of providing anything positive for this devastated family.

I was so irritated, to put it mildy and grateful that I know better...but completely irritated and now angry, that this family had to sit in a puddle of their own confusion and grief, looking for a rainbow, only to get spat upon on by some ignorant jackass disguised as a man of the cloth.

My response?...I basically had an unrighteous desire to get out of my chair, walk up to this man, and kick him...really hard...in places we should not mention. I suppose, I should be sorry for those thoughts, but I'm not. I am however, incredibly grateful, that the God I believe in, loves us unconditionally, and knows us individually, down to every hair on our imperfect little heads.

I guess, I answered my own question. I am in no danger of being struck down by lightning. But then again, a lightning storm might be nice if it means David's family can get their rainbow.

Dear David,

I know you were full of love for many people. I know you loved my dad. I know you were kind, and quirky, and love-able, and amazing. I know you've had it rough at times, but as long as I can remember, you have loved and cared for your family and your children. I know you endured many miles and marathon's in this life and you were given a medal at the end of each race. I know you were scared and shocked and hurt when my dad left this life and know you tried to be strong. I know you looked up to him. I know you have suffered, immensely.

David, I know you are free. I know you are strong. I know you are loved. I know you are not alone and I'll bet that my dad gave you another medal. You worked very hard here and I know you did enough.

I hope that your kids and your sisters saw the rainbow I tried to give them. And I pray that others will give them one, as well.

Please give love to my dad and my brother for me.

Your niece,

Jennica

TOLERANCE

2009-07-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

I climbed a mountain a few days ago. My brother and I hiked good and hard for 12 hours straight. All the way up and then all the way down. I'm not sure which direction is harder. It was an exercise in drive and determination. We REALLY wanted to summit and we just kept moving until we got there.

On the way down we talked about how it's not really very fun to climb mountains. It's work! You have to be pretty mentally tough about getting up there and you can't quit. I'm still pretty sore from the whole thing but I learned something...

If you want to, you can do anything. Physically, you can keep going for a loooonnngg time even if you think you are exhausted. If you are motivated and brave enough to try...you can do it. The effort is always worth it.

Thank you, Jaren, for suffering with me.

PERSPECTIVE

2009-07-21T19:01:00.000-07:00

Look at these clear, fresh faced babies! Since I started working full-time at a Dermatologists office I have learned some things about skin issues and let me tell you...be grateful for new, healthy, non-itchy, non-puss-filled, non viral-warty, soft-and-smooth-as-a-babies-bottom, skin. No molluscum contagiosa. No occular psoriasis. No seborheic keratenosis. No nothing! Just fabulous, amazing, maybe a tiny little bit freckly, skin.

My job is great! I'm growing... alot. To be honest, things are a little hectic. I mean, I cry sometimes when I get home because I've missed them. They are beautiful and I smother their smudged but otherwise clean faces with kisses.

But, I'm trying to be positive and today I'm grateful for their health.

SUPERWOMAN

2009-07-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not, superwoman. I'm trying to figure it out. Is it even possible to work, love your babes, cook for everyone & have a clean house?

I was able to actually put some grub on the table a few times lately but steer clear of the laun_ry rooms & the bathrooms. They look like something blew up in there.

As you can see I'm still missing a letter...it's kin_ of like a metaphor for my life. I've got some of it in or_er but there's just something missing & it looks a little funny.

I will progress. It will get easier, right? RIGHT?

WOW!

2009-07-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

Too much to complete, too little time.

yikes!

IN_EPEN_ ANCE _AY!

2009-07-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

Wow. I just realize_ something. But I have to insert a warning here. Not about what I just realize_ but about my computer. I have a key that _oesn't work all of the su__en. Guess which one it is. _ang it! Anyhoo, I have to tell you something. Well, tell me something so that I can always remember it.

Here it is.

I've been feeling sorry for myself. All worke_ up over going to work an leaving my ki_s home an_ losing my workout time an_ my leisure space an_ other stuff...etc. In short, I've been a big baby about having to grow up an I'm not, I'm not, I'm not happy about it. Actually, I'm excite_ about the job I was very blesse_ to get but haven't been able to wrap my hea_ aroun_ all the change.

BUT!

Lately, I've become "in the know" about a few people's lives who are struggling, an_ reaching out, an_ telling me stuff. I've ha_ the opportunity to insert my very small amount of wis_om with the issues they are _ealing with. So, this morning I thought to myself. "Wow, I'm really helping these people." I got a little puffe_ up but then very quickly it struck me that the whole reason for this strange situation is two-fol_ . One, because these people have really nee_e_ something right now an_ I was able to give it to them. Two, I nee_e_ to realize that while there is a lot going on right now, I HAVE learne_, an_ I HAVE grown, an_ I HAVE been blesse_ in the trials I've face_ over the years an_ my life coul_ be 100 times har_er. I might just make it through this one, too.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

ACTION!

2009-06-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

RUN! JUMP! POSE! SPLASH!

AND RELAX...

Shell-shocked.

2009-06-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a close call? Something terrible that ALMOST happened? I once sat on the porch with my dad, as Lincoln ran in front of a car, too far away to re-act with anything other than a scream. My heart began to beat like drums in my chest until he was safe. Then, I kind of just sat there, numb.

That's how I feel today. Life has been crazy, lately. Lots of changes, and activity and planning and plotting and thinking and growing. I am now a soon-to-be working mother and beginning July 8th life, as we know, is over. It should be good for us. We should all grow and become stronger. I hope. For now though, it's tough to think about. Ty has been the one to express every one's thoughts..."You mean, you are going to be a fake mother instead of a real mother?"

I don't know where he got that but it's sad to me. Very sad. I need to work. For many reasons. But I want my kids to know I'm still their mother and I will always take care of them.

p.s. this post is not to meant to offend or make any statement whatsoever about mothering. it is only to express the stress and fear of this huge change in our lives.

RAIN

2009-06-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

The best thing about a lot of rain is...PUDDLES. Big ones. This weird bright light peeked through the clouds for a few minutes today and we played. Oh, how we played. I was the photog and the look-out. I snapped while the kids ran, splashed and peddled through this puddle. Then, they scattered out of the foot deep puddle (in some places) and onto the sidewalk when I yelled, "Car!"

Afterwards, we dripped our way into the laundry room, stripped wet clothes off our bodies, put on dry clothes, and settled into the couch to await our cooling yellow butter cake. Boy, it was tasty.

Here's an interesting note...I went outside a couple of hours later to return a redbox and guess what?!?! Out puddle is 100% GONE! Completely dried up. I'm not even kidding!

It's ok though, the forecast calls for more rain and thunderstorms this week. Our puddle will be back soon.

Cress Creek

2009-06-04T17:55:00.000-07:00

My friend Carol and I have decided to try some outings with the kids. Today was our first one together; we went hiking. This is what it looks like when we get together.

all things progress

2009-05-30T18:18:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. I'm pretty self-centered. I talk about myself. alot. And I'm ok with it. I intend to do more of it here. Get ready.

I recieved a phone call last week from someone I didn't know requesting that I help them out with a very challenging trail relay. My part of this trail race was to run the first 17 of the 50 mile course. I agreed and two days later I found myself at 7500' looking over Pocatello and running through snow in my running shorts. My teammates, it turns out, are wicked fast and I questioned why they wanted me on their team and realized that there really aren't that many people that can be called upon and be ready for something like that last minute. I'm so glad I was willing because not only do you have to be ready but you have to be brave enough to believe you can.

With the advent of computers, facebook, and blogs and whatnot it's easy to share information and I can imagine that to many, my exploits seem extreme so I'm here to set the record straight. In a nutshell, things progress. I haven't always been able to do this stuff nor have I always been brave. When I first decided I wanted to get back in shape after delivering three children and miscarrying late into my fourth pregnancy, my goal was to walk for 20 minutes a day. That was so hard. I'd force myself to go an extra block and then I would walk home panting and sweaty. Soon though, I began to add more minutes and I'd even try to run one block at a time. It slowly began to get a little easier. Not much though, it seems as though in the process of progressing, that when things are no longer a challenge you add more. Always keeping it a challenge. You should always keep it a challenge.

So, here I am. Five years later and this is what I've progressed to and for those who haven't witnessed this transformation it seems unreachable and extreme. It's not. People are usually shocked to hear my beginnings, they can relate to them but not to today. But anybody can do what I did first.

Anybody. So get started today.

CRAVINGS!

2009-05-29T02:56:00.000-07:00

It's almost 4 a.m.

I'm awake.

And I want this.

O-Liv-E-EYE

2009-05-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

Bar Brawl? or softball game? you decide...

He dresses himself

2009-05-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

Ty dresses himself.

Every day.

This is him at the high school for field day.

All the kids ran, obstacled, raced & tugged their way through the day. It was fun to watch. Olivia even climbed her way up and perched herself on the platform to get dunked.

It was awesome.

I'm Busy!

2009-05-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

And I hate it. So many kid things to do. That I don't hate. But I hate rushing from one thing to the next. And this wind is KILLING me.

No time for my brain to stop and process. Soon, I hope. I really need it.

INNOCENTS

2009-05-10T19:46:00.000-07:00

Ty is excited about his new skills.

Here is a sample-

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank for this world. Thank you for Him to come. Thank you for the sky to be sunny on my birthday.

Oh great! Would you please close your eyes!!!

Amen

COMING SOON

2009-05-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

Tales of computer ineptitude, witch mountain races, mother's day fairies, near-sighted bear hunters, and the life of the raddest "dyed in the wool" democrat ever.

It should be interesting. Be back soon.

WHO SAYS BOYS AREN'T FLEXIBLE?

2009-04-28T06:19:00.000-07:00

HE'S JUST DOING YOGA, RIGHT?

FICKLE

2009-04-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

photo from wikipedia

I woke up this morning and wanted crepes. I love crepes. Experimenting with different flavors is kind of fun and this morning my helping hands (aka all four of my kids) and I decided we would make coconut crepes with some homemade strawberry and blueberry filling.

Delicious!

There is one draw-back to crepes though; They take forever to make and I stand at the stove making one. crepe. at. a. time. until everyone is full. They clean up their dishes and plant their stuffed bellies downstairs on the couch and I'm still starving and spooning batter. Then, I eat by myself and clean up the rest of the mess.

It's worth it. I get some serious love from my family when I make crepes. "Mmmmm. Mommy, you are the best cook-er ever." "This is soooo good." "Thank you, Mommy." "I love you, mommy."

Wow. A girl could really get used to that, right? I kind of wished I hadn't gotten rid of my super-hero costume; I totally could have rocked a cape in the kitchen this morning.

I felt so good about myself that I made these. Chocolate mint macaroons. I basically used the recipe I found at Picky Palate. Her blog button is on your right.

Photo from Picky Palate

Everybody loved these.

BUT..

I must have needed to be humbled.

At the request of my husband who was wishing for some comfort food, I made this cheese burger pie. I made it exactly according to the recipe and if you know me this is very rare. I always change or add things. But not this time. It's a pretty basic, old school, easy recipe. Nothing fancy or special.

Photo from Betty Crocker

Jimmy was very happy. I found it satisfying. The rest of them, not so much. "Wahhhhhh." "Um, I'm not hungry. Can I eat it later?" "Ohhhh, my stomach hurts." "What is that?!!! Sick!"

Am I raising a bunch of food snobs? Do I need to introduce casseroles into our diet? Should I stop putting pesto in our grilled cheese and instead just use plastic-wrapped cheese? Should I buy toaster waffles and hot dogs? Bologna?

No cape needed tonight.

I can't wait to see how popular I am tomorrow when I feed them the left-overs.

call the fire department!

2009-04-24T10:33:00.000-07:00

I JUST GOT BURNED. By a barely six year old. Izzy just climbed off the bus from her institution of higher learning known affectionately as kindergarten and she was famished! She begged me to please, please, puh-leezzzz make her a peanut butter and honey sandwich. As I was using a dinosaur shaped cookie cutter to vanquish the crust, my hair fell into my face and when I took my hands off her sandwich to uncover my eyes she flipped out and exclaimed...

"You mean I have to stick my fingers in there and get my sandwich out!"

"No," I replied. "I take care of my girl." It was then that I realized the result of brushing one's hair from one's face while making said pb & h..."Oops, I got honey in my hair." I mentioned.

To this, SHE said with a smirk...

"So, you don't take care of yourself?!"

Monster vs. Mommy

2009-04-24T07:04:00.000-07:00

I took the boys to this movie yesterday. Apparently, my time spent watching Access Hollywood to learn about current events is completely wasted because during the previews when Ty was talking about "Bob this" and "Bob that" I had no idea what he was referring to. Then, the movie began to play and Bob and I became acquainted with one another. It didn't take very long to figure out why Ty was so drawn to him; I think they are long lost brothers or soul mates or something. I will give you a brief synopsis for those who haven't seen the movie....(Do you like how I reference my readership? Like there is more than one of you...I even have to bribe my own mother to read!)

Bob is...well, Bob is basically a Blob and while Ty has a shape to him, he does have an other-worldly ability to dive on top of people and put them in scissor holds in a blob-like encompassing manner. Like when you are covered by a blob, you can free your face of goo but then your hand is covered in slime; Ty is everywhere.

Bob leaves a slime trail where ever he goes and he never stops eating. Ty uses hunger to avoid almost everything. He's too hungry to put away his toys; He's too hungry to go to bed; He's even too hungry to eat his veggies. And he's messy. Did you see my last toilet post?

Bob doesn't have a brain. Ty frequently bypasses his. "It's overrated" says Bob. Ty tends to be a "live and learn" kind of kid. Thankfully, this has not resulted in any trips to the emergency room. Insert sound of very loud knocking on wood here...

Bob tends to get all fired-up over things that don't really apply to him. Ty, in his infancy/ego-maniac/it's all about me/dramatic state quite often has to be told that I'm not talking to him and that when I say "I don't like sponge bob" it's not secret code for "Nobody likes Ty."

Bob vacillates between being goofy with a air headed-like tone and sounding very professional and intelligent. Ty actually, can be quite the conversationalist. When he's trying hard to communicate with you the process is written on his very expressionistic face and then usually the words come out. But, then again, sometimes he gives up and just yells one syllable demands at me.

Bob is "a hugger." The problem, is that when Bob hugs you, you end up inside the slime like a giant jello mold. Ty has a difficult time understanding boundaries. About five seconds ago he pulled back the collar of my shirt to see what was underneath and since he knows how to unlock doors...the bathrooms aren't safe either. If another child is sitting near me or Jimmy, Ty will, very slyly, wiggle his bony little tush in between them. He's very tricky.

Now, Bob is very love-able and funny and so is Ty. In fact, for a few brief insanity filled moments yesterday I looked at Ty and thought "I don't want you to grow up!"

Then, I realized that there was wayyyyy too much butter on our popcorn. Fake butter. There's got to be something wrong and allergy inducing with that stuff. I'll just let it wear off.

Photo borrowered or stolen from Dreamworks.

EEWWW!

2009-04-22T20:41:00.001-07:00

THE SCENE OF THE CRIME:

THE VICTIMS: ME AND THE POOR PORCELAIN AND PLASTIC PRINCE

THE MASTERMIND: TY AND HIS LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD HANDS

THE WEAPON OF CHOICE: VERY GENERIC "BEAR CLAW" ICE CREAM. DARK CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM WITH DENALI CARAMEL SWIRLS AND CHOCOLATE COVERED CASHEWS.

IT'S DEADLY. AND APTLY NAMED, DON'T YOU THINK?

My safety and security have been compromised. Who knows when this bandit will strike again? I can never again fold laundry with the door closed. The risk is too great. I'm just grateful this brown handprint on the toilet was ice cream and not other toilet-related things.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LINC!

2009-04-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

I have an active imagination. My brain sees things that my reality doesn't always want to duplicate. Like once, for example, after I had grown and delivered three children with my very own body I figured I'd try some of my old gymnastic tricks in the backyard. No sweat, right? Not even the well-placed mattress could spare me from the resulting jammed wrist and a gigantic head-ache.

Oops.

I have a friend named Carole. That's Carol with an E to you. She is awesome. She knows how to "embrace" life and all its' good qualities. Once I felt slighted by something that happened around us but it didn't seem to affect her. I asked her about it and this was her reply ...

"I just assume that everybody likes me and that it's nothing personal."

JUST. LIKE. THAT.

She just MAKES A CHOICE that her imaginations are going to match her reality.

And they do.

I kind of wish I knew stuff about philosophy. Or wax, for that matter. I could really go on about this concept in a manner that would impress even Socrates but again my delusions are just that so I will simply say...I think that's a cool idea.

Perhaps someday, my actual creations will behave and show up in this dimension more like the seed I planted in my head. While I do appreciate variety, sometimes when I plant a pear tree I'd like to indulged in juicy pears, not apples.

Case in point #1 I have been training and planning for my marathon to go a certain way and while the results should really be satisfying to me now...I got the apples and not the pears. And plenty of people would be happy; These apples finished faster than about 90% of all but I still really wanted a pear this time.

Case in point #2 It's Lincoln's birthday. His birthday cake was awesome! (In my head.) Here's the result; The real, honest to goodness, this is my cake and I'm blowing out the candles, reality of the thing...

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Even Socrates would be at a loss here. Keep in mind that I did my darnedest to take the most flattering picture possible. I know, it's apples. And apples are tasty.

But I had pears on the brain!

This is when I have to channel my good friend Carol with an E and just "embrace" it.

Or maybe I'll just drown it. In frosting. Gobs and gobs of apple frosting!

It is what it is.

2009-04-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

I've been distracted. Have you ever had a project that was so big you couldn't even start it because the enormity of it clouds your ability to plan your process? A thesis, an essay, something important to you? It's huge. So it requires a blueprint of sorts and the starting point isn't always obvious. It's...confusion wrapped in indecisiveness disguised as procrastination. But regardless, it doesn't get done.

I have the opposite of that. Well, actually I have both.... My focus on one project has made it difficult to complete the others but that's another story. For months, I have been planning and systematically checking off miles in preparation for this test. A presentation of my fitness, if you will. I have been throwing all kinds of different balls into the air, calculating paces, experimenting with re-fueling calories, adjusting for and dealing with injuries and all of it before 7:00 a.m. I'm a multi-tasker. And...

I think I'm ready. I'm not feeling the stress of cramming like you would for a test not prepared for. Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of constantly a bit queasy with nerves and I'm tensing a bit. My naivete with the pain associated with recovering from a marathon is long gone. I know exactly what to expect. In the middle of the night after my 1st one I awoke to my sister giving me a handful of pills and a cup of water saying, "Honey, take these. You are whimpering in your sleep." It hurts. Bad. And though I cringe a little just thinking about it...I think I'm ready. I have reached the acceptance stage of this process. I know I have done everything I can do to this point and the only thing left is to brave it out and go hard. And I'm ready.

I'm ready to push the limits and go for it and at the end of the day, as always, I will remind myself that no matter what happens....

It is what it is.

LESS THAN 5 DAYS TO GO

2009-04-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

My race is this weekend. As in 5 nights from now. I just got my race plan.

I'm trying not to throw up!

MONKEY

2009-04-08T13:15:00.000-07:00

NICE! This is what happens when I walk out of the kitchen for a few minutes.

The aftermath of this, is the kid that NEVER stops eating found a bottom to the pit and said with a mushy mouthful...."My tummy can't take these boring bananas." As least, that's the closest thing I could decipher. I don't actually speak caveman/swahili.

I also think he may have developed a case of TMJ or lock-jaw because with every new bite he grimaced and grabbed his cheeks Kevin McCallister style.

Thank goodness for TY because I was really starting to feel like I needed something to do. I mean, a housewifes life of leisure tends to drag and I was about to break out the bon bons and see if Bo and Hope are still together.

Oh well. I guess I'll go drink 4 days worth of fruit servings in one sitting.

Stay tuned to hear about the amazing effects of fiber on someone whose diet usually consists of cheese and milk...

I hope I'm not jinxing myself!

2009-04-07T05:42:00.000-07:00

I woke up today seeing daylight. I think?! Not the sunshine, mind you, though it promises to be a nice day, I mean...I might actually live through this cold I've been harboring for about a month and last week decided to take advantage of my hospitality and set up a full blown hostage situation. It was touch and go for a while there, the nogotiations have been difficult but I am now feeling hopeful that the high-powered antibiotics just might overtake my unwelcome house guest. "This stuff will kill anything from a UTI to pnuemonia" the doctor promised. I have hope though and all victims need to have hope.

Stay tuned to find out if spend another day on the couch or if the laundry gets done...

13 days

2009-04-01T17:28:00.001-07:00

I have 13 days. That's it. For a while now, since last September to be exact, I've had a specific time goal in mind for this race. It makes me nervous to say these things out loud as it seems to create a scenario where I have to be more accountable or something. I don't want to disappoint the masses, you know. Well, I have said it out loud, lots of times, but it seems like I've been watching it all fall apart for the last two injury filled blizzard-y months. And there have been times lately where I had to remind myself why I'm doing this in the first place. It's not for the people around me, you'll still think I'm crazy for doing what I do no matter what my time is. It's not for the finisher's medal, though I do enjoy the collection growing on my wall. And it's not even for the cupcakes. It rarely occurs to me to run further and earn an extra cupcake. Though I do like the extra cupcake!

So what is it for...?

I really, actually, honest to goodness, sincerely like running. I like to work hard. I like to push myself and I like to wake up on race day, step up the the starting line and see what happens. So far, it has worked out and there really is nothing like that feeling. Setting a goal and achieving it. It's good.

I had a conversation with someone at the gym the other day. It started with this guy asking why Jimmy hasn't been coming in to workout in the morning anymore. I told him that Jimmy was working out in the evenings with these guys that were pushing him really hard. I mentioned that one day they worked him so hard he threw up. Seemingly appalled by this, the guy says that sounded like it was too much. He wouldn't ever work out that hard, he said. To lighten the mood, I laughed and said, (as I was climbing the ominous-looking stair mill.) "Well, I tend to be a Let's just see what happens... kind of girl." and then I realized how true that is.

So many people, (myself included in certain areas) just go through the motions of exercise and never really learn how tough they are.

Don't get me wrong, anyone who hangs around me during race season knows I get anxious and worked up over things and my shadow has an affair with self-doubt every once in a while. Out-running it can get kind of difficult. So, it's time to shed my backpack filled with rocks and run un-emcumbered once again.

Say goodbye the to self-doubt. Ix-nay to the expectations of others. Nyet to the leg and hip pain. Say no way to the feeling of imperfection.

I hereby welcome all the good stuff. I've husked the corn of all the dry, papery layers. I've peeled back the silky threads and it's time to partake of the sweet summer kernals. I have nourished the planted seed and breathed life into it to the best of my ability and the rewards can now be mine. It may not be perfect, but...

"Let's just see what happens."

I WISH! a photo essay by an inept photographer.

2009-03-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

Today has been rough. Tonya and I met at 4:45 a.m. with the instruction to run a 2 mile warm-up followed by 3 x 1 mile repeats @ 6:30, 6:30, and 6:25. and then a 2 mile cool down. I am so muscle sore that I'm reminded of what it feels like after running a marathon. It HURTS. Along with all the regular training, I've allowed myself to be sucked into the gym vortex altering my temporal lobe and my loss of logic has caused me to do two-a-days for the last couple of weeks when I should have been recovering from an injury. Stupid vortex! You know the vortex, the one where you see all those people that you don't look like and then someone says "oh, lift this! or add this weight! Ride that stair mill for 45 minutes!" and. now. it's. catching. up. to. me. So, this morning, I could NOT run any faster than a 7 minute mile and even that was acid-inducing. (you know what I mean, right?) I'm tired. Really tired.

I could use some of this..... a nice SLOW climb and a new view of the world

pretty flowers growing out of the dark
some of messy Ty's candy
some quiet time
a good ride on a steep road where all I have to do is breath and move and relax
some good old fashioned soaking up the sunshine

and last but not least....just kidding! but isn't that a funny tree!?!?

Here's to tomorrow being a new day......

POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE

2009-03-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
You playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”

--Marianne Williamson

I stole this from the blog belonging to my trainer, Lisa. The author is listed. I don't know who she is but she's a genius. These words speak to me. They speak to a place that hides behind the inadequacies and the fear that peek through sometimes. While I run I have these thoughts that travel with me. I run the tangent. My thoughts don't always follow. The quality of my run determines the level of fight it takes to keep my errant thoughts away from the uneven cant.

Today, I counted. To 95. Dozens of times. Cadence counts! (The most efficient runners step on each foot 95-100 times per minute.)

After a while though, I got tired and those little rebels went straight for the middle of the road. (I'm not crazy. Try running long distances and see what happens in your brain...) "What makes you think you can do it..." "You are too slow..."

But then, as everyone should do, I practiced some self-mastery and reigned those suckers in.

I thought about the above words and felt strong. Please let them help you too.

Dear Summer.

2009-03-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Summer,

It's been a while. I'm sorry we haven't kept in touch like we promised. Don't let the fact that I've been hanging out with others make you feel like I love you any less. Yes, I accepted the change and even found that I was happy with my new friends but to begin with, when you left, I was angry and hurt. I won't lie. I shed a few tears and cried myself to sleep but when you didn't return I knew I had stop being selfish and let you do what was best for you. I hope you will forgive me. I hope you have found your place and have been happy where ever you are but I'll be honest...I really miss you and want you to come home.

PLEASE.

COME, SOON.

You can even bring your friend, Spring, I think that's her name. I promise I'll show you both some great hospitality. The guest bedroom is made up and ready and the fridge is stocked.

I'M READY WHEN YOU ARE.

Yours truly and forever,

Jennica

p.s. To all of you runners out there...the answer is yes! I have greatly improved my running form since this picture was taken.

TRIP TO UTAH COMING SOON

2009-03-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

As soon as I get home I'll post a video of my kids rocking out to led zeppelin. It's awesome.

Is it cool that my kids know the old school rock?

I tried to cut it down but apparently between the company we have at our house, all-star basketball, church meetings, cupcake making, sick kids, broken dryer, nonfunctioning dishwasher, etc. my multi-tasking skills are at their max. Sorry.

Extra points for you if you noticed the typical gender role reversal (Jimmy is manly enough to let me drive!) and the nervous bottom-lip chewing habit I've developed.

We had a good trip.

FOR THE LOVE!

2009-03-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

Ya know what?! Things change. Seasons. Minds. Taste buds. Bodies. Babies. Lives. Sometimes it happens quickly and sometimes it happens so slowly that you might not even notice it until someone else points it out and the wheels get going and all of the sudden you realize how much time has passed and the changes are huge.

I used to love chocolate frozen yogurt smothered in strawberries. It was such a perfect mixture of sweet and sour and smooth. The chocolate was rich and full and the berries were tart and sassy. Oh, it was tasty. Once, I found such a treat left on my doorstep when prior plans prevented me from going out with this guy for the evening. Boy, was he smart!! He knew how to keep my attention...

Jimmy and I were driving down-town yesterday for dinner and a movie when we saw these huge letters stomped out in the snow. Across from the temple. Marry me? Jimmy groaned. I smiled. "That's cheesy." he said. "It's romantic and cheesy." I countered and this led to a discussion about what Jimmy considered to be romantic. Ummm. I can't really reveal those details here. Hi, mom! Sometimes, actions speak louder than words, right? Anyway, we went to our favorite restaurant. Awesome food. Terrible ambiance. I mean really, the yellow walls are manic-inducing and the un-even tiles on the floor make for some ear-piercing scrapes as chairs are adjusted but again, the food is fantastic. It's not really a setting for a quiet romantic dinner but we were soothed by our attempts to re-design and re-decorate the space through osmosis and sheer will. We felt the transformation. It was nice.

We drove across town to attend a movie. We were early so we sat in the car talking. Jimmy asked to me tell him a memory from the years we've been together and while many things raced through my mind I could sum it all up in one word...Lucky! We talked about how much we've been through, been dragged through, and pulled through. And it feels good. "You NEVER give up." he says. I like that. It felt good to hear him say that.

Anyway, my new thing, is cupcakes. I love them. They are best when the textures are extreme. There is a cupcake called the ultimate brownie and it is amazing. The cupcake part is fudgy, and crunchy, with crispy soft toasted marshmallows on top and then covered with a rich and creamy swirl of chocolate frosting. It makes me happy to eat it. The cupcake store has a pretty decent young and hip vibe to it but even so, we re-decorated a little bit while we indulged. We added some nice leather couches and a coffee table to make it a little bit more homey and while I watched him I realized something...And then I text-ed him about it. From across the table.

It said..."I fell in love once over a frozen yogurt and I just did it again over a cupcake."

He blushed.

I smirked.

How's that for romantic!?

Happy Anniversary, Jimmy.

THE PROPOSITION

2009-02-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

I thought I knew what I'd do if it ever happened. I was sure there wouldn't be any question. I would be strong and unwavering. I'd never be in the position in the first place and yet...It happened. And I was weak. My heart melted and I had follow it. I was propositioned tonight.

His exact words were..."Mommy? Do you want to have a sleepover with me tonight?"

"YES!" I said, without hesitation. I followed him into his room and saw that he had put a blanket out on the floor, two pillows side by side, an extra blanket for coverage, and two stuffed animals for us to cuddle. Perfect, right?

Wow.

I couldn't stop kissing his tiny lips.

BUT, then he started drooling and let's just say that ruined it for me and I was out of there.

Shhh. Don't tell Jimmy!

What's blue and gold with white spots all over it?

2009-02-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

When all the other mothers were complaining about how their sons waited until the last minute to get ready....I got to top them all with this story. Thank goodness for a damp washcloth and a kid that will actually stand still long enough for me to scrub off the evidence of this experiment. Phewwww.

I'm thinking about life.

2009-02-23T18:50:00.000-08:00

Running has changed my life. The day I did my first race after being married and having a couple of kids (and by a couple, I mean three) was a great day. It marks the moment my family (and me) realized I could do more than change diapers and burn toast. I became a super-hero. A boost my ego desperately needed. I was still in such bad shape that all day after the race I sat in a lawn chair shaded by giant trees and could. not. move. a. muscle. but I was happy all the way through.

The next day though....Ouch!

I began to realize that racing was good for me. I loved the competition. That drive to win even if I was only racing myself. And the change in my confidence. Wow. Oh, and all the friends I've made. Socially, it's been amazing. We run. We chat. We vent. We laugh. Good times.

I eventually figured out that with more training, I could do longer races. They still hurt really bad because I like to beat my times and compete. So, I train hard and I race harder. I like it. I pour over past races and training schedules. I plan for months before the actual race day. I memorize the race profiles, strategize my water stops and re-fueling. I lay in bed and cover the race course in my head. How I look. How I feel. The weather. My shoes. Everything. Even when I'm swimming, I'm running in my head. When I plan like this and it works out, there is no better feeling in the world. Plus! Someone gives me a medal when I get done. and sometimes a trophy. That's cool right?

I'll be honest. SOMETIMES, things are weird and I get all bungled up. Like, right now, I'm injured and running really hurts. I'm trying to get faster and my program is way tougher than ever before. I like it, it's a challenge. I just have a few aches and pains to work through. It's a rut. Everyone has them. It's o.k. I just have to be patient and diligent and I'll be fine. Even though progress might be slow right now, I am learning things about myself. For instance, I hear people talk about how when running a marathon they start hurting around mile 18 and after that it's hard to keep going. I, however, have run a marathon where I started hurting at mile three and I still finished the race. On Saturday, my entire 21 miler was a battle. It hurt. But I never quit. And THAT is important to me. Also, I can deal with an extreme amount of pain. I might be grumpy about it but I can take it. And that is important for me to know about myself, too. Now, that's not to say that I'm careless about my body. I make very educated decisions about what I put myself through and there have been times when I said "Enough!" and I went home and climbed back in bed. But I like to work hard.

Nothing that was ever given to me has meant as much to me as the things that I work hard for. Marriage, kids, family, dreams, goals, talents....They all require effort and planning and a good strategy to make them grow continually and keep them fresh and at their peak. And sometimes, you just have to gut it out. For me, running and racing has helped me figure out how tough I really am and I'm grateful for it. It has added definition to my life and while it doesn't define ALL of me it helps ME to define the REST of me.

And on that note, I think I'll have some toast.

MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME

2009-02-18T14:31:00.000-08:00

Izzy has been talking nonstop about her birthday. When is my birthday? How many days until my birthday? Can I have a princess party? I invited so and so to my birthday!....So, when Kinley called today to find out what time to come over for Izzy's party, I didn't have the heart to let her down and tell her Izzy's birthday isn't until next month, I had to invite her over today.

When the girls came upstairs and said they were hungry, I made them quesadilla's. and salsa. and a really gooey smore's-like treat with marshmallow cream and melted chocolate. I spilled chocolate all over the counter top and kids were covered with mush and loving it...so I said to Kinley...

"Kinley, is your mom as messy as me?"
In reply, Kinley made some sort of scoffing noise and said, very definitively, "NO!"

Things progress and chaos, as usual, ensues so I ask our tame little house guest...

"Kinley, is your house as crazy as our house."

Again, a very confident "NO!"

Ok, let me digress. Izzy is a middle child. Look up the attributes and definition of a middle child and by golly, there's a picture of Izzy. To be honest, she's kind of struggling right now. She's big but not big enough. She's wants all the attention but when she gets it she throws a tantrum. She pouts. She whines. She holds a grudge. Well, you get the picture. So, Jimmy and I have been working extra hard to help her find her place and part of that is letting her play with her friends more often.

Enter Kinley.

Dear Kinley's mother,

I would like to formally apologize for the influence my child may have on your child. I will try my very best to supervise the craziness and keep it to a manageable level. While I cannot promise not to feed their cute faces with ooey gooey treats I do promise that we do not normally live by the "eat it or wear it" concept as it may appear in this video.
I believe in keeping kids active and if she tells you stories about exercise balls, foam rollers, bikes in the basement and sword fights with marathon stick massagers, I assure it's all safe and harmless. The lawsuit from the football/fight club party is still pending but I have every confidence it will be cleared up shortly.
I hope you will still allow your daughter to continue to play with Izzy as I'm sure this is a stage she will grow out of soon. I hope you will understand and bear with us.

Sincerely,

Izzy's exhausted mother.